I am full of nervous twitching!!
I sit in one of only two chairs where my feet can actually rest on the floor naturally. This is how my mind feels. Unable to place myself somewhere. Somewhere where I fit. I feel cold yet I could get dressed in warm clothing and out of my night ware or drape a blanket over my lap. Instead I sit by the sliding door in my wicker chair with my elbows firmly wedged. Outside is the cold and white snow. The sun is cold as well. Showing no visible effort to push the grey clouds that surround it. That is how I feel today.
I am not a wind with energy. I am not the sun with warmth. I am barely visible to myself. I feel comfortable here.
Is it Sadness?
Is it Laziness?
Is it Emptiness?
Is it the pull of what was?
Am I caught in a Grieving Eddy?
Sometimes I can barely breath. Is this self pity that I feel? B would not approve. He would not be feeling this right now. He would be getting on with his life, like a friend of mine has. This makes me happy for him but also I wonder how it can be possible. They all say that men get on with it very quickly. Does this mean that they do not feel as intensely as we do? Do we hold on to our love to show its volume? I don’t know. They will argue that the love they fell is just as powerful and deep but how can it be when they move on so effortlessly. At lest it looks that way.
Loving hard is what I do. I don’t fall in love easily. At first my reflex was to seek desperately for someone to look after me. This dissipated as I felt sick when I found myself doing it. What a way to sabotage the self!
Truthfully I never want to love with that intensity again. I don’t have another in me.