Widowed Without A Manual

Some of us grieve longer then others. I will not be rushed out of my love, that still inhabits my heart.

Why Can’t i Make ONE Decision

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Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.17 AM #2

 

When I was looking after B, I made decisions ever day every hour.
Or What?
I am not able to see into next week let alone the rest of my life.
My property should have been listed and yet here I am
I am doing something all the time and yet
I hardly see progress
Something that I used to do instantly has now become this slow ,,,,,,thought,,,,process,,,
I’m in bed by seven pm and by four pm then by ten round about i am asleep
Dreaming has become a collection of strange events.
I dreamt that I was driving this huge White pickup truck,, then either the sides of the road grew to three feet or I drove into an ally that came to a V,,,, here I was stopped,,,,, could go no further,,,,,when I hear a sound that was very loud!! so loud I thought it was a bomb or a tire exploding,,,,I woke,,,,
I dreamt that urgent repairs had to be made on my house,,,,,i was in the living room but it looked like a first floor basement or it was the living room turned into the basement,,,, the walls were stone or stock type whitish,,,,,there were two strange men there,,,,, trying to give me an estimate I suppose,,,,, the furnace was there,,,, there were half walls,,,, the strange men were shaking their heads,,,, [my neck is tight,, has been for three days now,,} the men kept saying could be fixed but will cost,,, everything was will cost will cost will cost will cost will cost,,,an old friend that used to live in the area appeared in the room,,,he looked at one deteriorating wall and said if we move this over we could use the same drywall??????
These are my nights when I should be resting.
My neck feels like someone is grabbing me from the back and will not let go

Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.48 AM

People try and help but they only put the fear of god in me
They project their fears on me with such intensity that I question my own mind
Do I do this to them?
Do I push my opinions?
Is this a way of getting back at me?
Do they really want to help or do they envied me my freedom?
Do I have freedom?
I hope I don’t continue like this
It will kill me if it does
That would not be such a bad thing.
Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.48 AM #3

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Now What

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Photo on 2016-07-07 at 7.19 AM #3
They walk all around and you can see they love her
They lie on her cool her grass, and trim her long hair
They gather broken limbs from the trees and give them back to the gods by fire ritual.
They love this property.
They understand that she is old, but she holds such magnificent history with every carved piece of wood or welded scrap of metal.
She gives birth to pools of water that fill with tears of hardship
She can only listen in the background as criticisms that surround to her keeper
He is like a bull, so strong and with such a thick welded armour
Yet he remains sensitive and so fragile within
He is consumed with sadness,
Still he creates with elegant lines and gentle colours
I can not fathom the strength it takes
For I crumble and fall to the ground at the thought
To stand at the sidelines from behind the safety fence of employment, security
Possibly criticize and most certainly judge
So many feel it is their right to do so.
So many would wither and die to have lived one year in his shoes.

 

Photo on 2016-07-07 at 7.15 AM #2

July 6 2016
So today a sculpture comes home.
I think that I am running out of enthusiasm. Having to always defend my dream of Newfoundland has worn me down.
If you keep getting told why would you want to do that? and they have winters you know. Who do you know there?
What will you do if you get sick?
All of these things chip away a bit more every time till there is this skeleton left with tiny bits of meat left on them, only enough to keep the vital organ going to keep breathing. This is a living death.
Then its the what are you going to do?
All these friggin questions!!!
They don’t understand that it takes a lot of energy for me to focus on the good things with this new life possibility.
Do they think this glued on smile is natural?
Do they not know that all this laughing and smiling is hiding all the doubt and pain I still have in me!
All the self questioning all the uncertainty, yet they think nothing to keep their mouth shut!
They think nothing of me for if they really did ……..

they would just listen.

Photo on 2016-07-07 at 7.15 AM

 

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