Yesterday my show got cancelled, well maybe cancelled is the wrong word. What he remembers is it was never fixed in place. Talk about throwing a steel rod in your wheel!
This is causing me to question everything! I have started cleaning which is commonly my stressed out reaction. Then I started to sew up a new duvet cover!!!. I stopped myself from that luckily. I am feeling FAT and really I would much prefer sitting, having a scotch with my husband. BUT HE’S DEAD!
For over thirty years I have had a GO TO PERSON. Now that person is gone. Sure many will tell me that I have many ‘go to persons’ but they don’t understand. They may understand always having someone to be with there and with, but you really don’t understand the emptiness and black hole that is always next to you. When your spouse dies, your world gets thrown off keel! Gravity changes. Everything seems to fly around you like being caught in the tail of a tornado. The only place I seem to be save is under two duvets in the secure place of my bed. A bed that is always half full of pillows that take up that space next to me. When I roll over I can feel the fullness of it and for a millisecond, I pretend he is still there lying next to me.
I have all these paintings that express some bits of how I have felt these past four years. I also have boxes of bronzes waiting to be finished and bases. What do I do With all OF this NOW?
My confidence has been shattered. How will I build it back up?