How Does One Spring Clean The Brain

Yesterday my show got cancelled, well maybe cancelled is the wrong word. What he remembers is it was never fixed in place. Talk about  throwing a steel rod in your wheel!

This is causing me to question everything! I have started cleaning which is commonly my stressed out reaction. Then I started to sew up a new duvet cover!!!. I stopped myself from that luckily. I am feeling FAT and really I would much prefer sitting,  having a scotch with my husband. BUT HE’S DEAD!

For over thirty years I have had a GO TO PERSON. Now that person is gone. Sure many will tell me that I have many ‘go to persons’ but they don’t understand. They may understand always having someone to be with there and with, but you really don’t understand the emptiness and black hole that is always next to you. When your spouse dies, your world gets thrown off keel! Gravity changes. Everything seems to fly around you like being caught in the tail of a tornado. The only place I seem to be save is under two duvets in the secure place of my bed. A bed that is always half full of pillows that take up that space next to me. When I roll over I can feel  the fullness of it and for a millisecond, I pretend he is still there lying next to me.

I have all these paintings that express some bits of how I have felt these past four years. I also have boxes of bronzes waiting to be finished and bases. What do I do With all OF this NOW?

My confidence has been shattered. How will I build it back up?



2 thoughts on “How Does One Spring Clean The Brain

  1. This one hit me where it hurts. I have tears in my eyes.

    I do not know that kind of loss, so I cannot say anything comforting because that would be stupid and insensitive.

    Through your words, I can feel your loss, your fear, your anxiety and your loneliness.

    I don’t think you’re ever NOT going to miss him or NOT going to want him there with you, but you are strong and I know you can move through this life and make it something.

    I am so sorry about the show. But they say everything happens for a reason, even when we don’t know what the reason is…..

    I understand and empathize with only feeling safe tucked away in comfort. It’s the nest. I wish I could hide in there with you.


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