Sometime Our Body Finds A Way

Oddly enough showing signs of flu symptoms gets me what I need. First, I pretty much get left alone and secondly its something people can understand. I know I am feeling the pains of depression. They are quite similar to a cold or flu but you can’t just take a cold tablet and feel better.

Today I got some drawing in and I was pleased with the ones I did last night. That in its self allows me to not feel too guilty for trying to ride out my depression. Unfortunatly I can’t concentrate any more to finish this tonight. Maybe I should not have tried.

It’s hard having to think for one and not two any more. No one to plan things with. No one to eat with. Sleep with. Watch t.v. with. There are so man things that we did as two. Now I’m one. 

Expectations

I have a lot of self expectation.

Being an artist means that its very difficult for me to not do anything. If I’m home I feel that I should be painting or drawing. Yet al I want to do is stay in bed and hide my head. I want to go away where no one knows me. Will that help me get better sooner? Maybe I should consider that as an option. Then there is the money thing. The advice I get is get some exercise, go out, do something different. I know all of this but I am so frozen in my head. Making myself write is my hope that I can pull myself out a bit. The phone keeps ringing but no one is leaving a message. JUst Leave a MESSage!!!!!!!!!! I have three friends that want to visit but It’s the energy that is required. But what is that? As I think this one out I am thinking that it could be that the visit is not the issue, Its the conversations that I will come. They will expect me to speak but no one really wants to hear what is really in my head and to make stuff up and pretend I think that that is what my problem is.

So how do I get past this? What do other widows do? Do I just call and say I would really like to see and speak to you but I just don’t seem to be able to muster the energy to make it a pleasant visit. This is an honest thought. I don’t want to push my friends away but I just think and feel that when I pretend to be happy and healthy that it back fires like christmas did for me. One day pretending that I was in so many ways someone else just wore me right out! 

Then I think,,,,,,, am I just making excuses. 

It’s been 14 months that I last held him in close to me and looked into his eyes and saw him look in mine. 14 months of having only my memories of him to hold close. 14 months of living with half my body exposed where he used to be.

I read some of my journals of last december and I am saddened and disappointed in myself for I really don’t seem to have progressed in my cooping with my sorrow. I wonder if it will be like giving birth? You know you always hear women say that you forget al the pain. Will that be the same? Will I too forget all this pain that I seems to be drowning in?

oh dear maybe I should tuck my night gown into my slacks and go out for a bi

 

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Crowds do not give security

Well I have just scooted back from five hours with family. Not eating meat meant that I ate a lot of cheese and vegetables. I did drink a good amount of wine and dabbled in other liquors. But there comes a time when you just have to leave and go back to your own nest. Not one person mentioned my husbands name all day long. I tried to introduce the topic with raising my glass to others that had passed away. There were no takers. Its like he never was, How can someone disappear from so many peoples minds? this is a time that I need to have my family bring him back into conversation, to laugh at things he did anything for god’s sake! This person was such a big part of me, and to have him be so ignored makes me wonder how I rate in this family as well.

When I announced I would leave it was said have a nap, so sit and watch t.v. anything but leave. Why? Why should I stay just to be there physically? Speak to me. Then maybe I will stay. I came home and i am better for it.

 

anyone else?

How do we shake off years of christmas eves?

How do we get past all those years of christmas eves? The years when we believed in santa clause and this was the night that santa would land on the roof and somehow creep his way down the chimney [even if you did not have a fireplace] to leave presents!

This was all a new country thing. We did not have this in the old country. Now we want to believe truthfully that in this country there is a person that gives gifts. So here I am 59 and so many years have passed  53 to be exact. I am sitting here with a bottle of wine and my t.v. , flipping going on  and this computrer. this computer is my arm that reaches out. Its the thing that I try now to believe in. I so need someone that just gets what I say and think. So does every other person in this world!  

When I left our home to move to the city and look after my loved one I really left behind a lot. I just don’t know if I can go back there, or if I should go back there. Most of the people I know never leave the family home, so they continue on being there. It’s terrible that I   could not afford to  live there on my own.

so here I am wishing and waiting for the clouds to break open and a new life to emerge.

christmas eve…………… I just don’t like this time of the year at all. Nothing good happens this time of year.

I would be fine with just dying right here right now.

Life is just not that easy…………………………

 

Hair On or Off?

Bears have it right. Winter comes and its time to hibernate.  Yesterday I started to feel that my hair needed to come off. I was to go and get this done but after shopping for food I tired myself and thus forgot.  I have cancelled two events , mostly due to weather but I did not feel up to it anyway. So here I sit. Head hurting but not wanting to take flu medication. I think I just want to feel physical pain. No one can tell just by looking at you that your emotionally a mess! It would be better if our skin turned a different colour.

Now that christmas is here it just gets worse. No one wants to hear  another person’s screams of anguish.

I suppose that is why I felt compelled to cut my hair off. To do something physical to my person so someone will say, how are you and wait for a reply.  I wouldn’t get it from my family for they will just say ‘what did you do that for?’ I know that I have many friends that support me and look out for me so why do I even care that my family gives a hoot what I am feeling. I really should move away from them for they make me feel that I am not living a good and proper life being an artist. I need to surround myself with people that think outside the box and inspire to original thought. I am not a person that looks forward to renovations or buying new furniture.

I am feeling too ill to continue today.

so hair left on or off

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Have I worn Everyone OUT?

I have to say that so often I feel that I have worn out many of the people I know. Do you? How do we hold on to our sanity? How do we plunge our arm down in the burlap bag and pull our hope? I have days when things seem fine. Then I start to slip and its that strange kind that does not allow you to regain your balance. No grabbing the the walls no penetrating your fingers in passing things no there is nothing that can stop that downward spin. You give up.  You raise your arms and say Frack it! I can’t do this any longer!

How did my mother cope? was it the kids that helped her hold on or did she feel all of what I’m feeling right now?

How are some able to marry after a year? How can you even let anyone else in your heart. Are you not afraid it will happen again? I mean really?

Perhaps I am just not cut out. Perhaps my life has been. I do not fear death. I would welcome it . I am just so very tired.

Are you?

Sleep is one of my favourite things. 12 20 2013

Yesterday I worked very hard to concentrate. I had a sculpture that needed shipping. It was so difficult to get the simplest number lined up in my mind. Deep breaths did not rush extra oxygen to my brain to get it to sharpen. Why does our mind float so easily in the dense cloud?  I only seem to be able to do the barest of things to survive. When with company I do get in my roll, as if an actor A reflex that I hardly notice anymore. But….. when I drive off my smile slowly drops till it is the opposite. I rest the lines, they follow suit.

Last night my eyes and breath and arms legs shoulders neck all got so heavy and tired. I laid my head down. I looked over to the little screen but within moments I was turning off and I slept over half a day, seventeen hours plus I must say. I could have stayed longer for I felt no life to rise. I wish  so I may sleep till my heart recovers.Image

Keep Your Head Above

How many find that when you drive you mind becomes like short family videos? All those seemly insignificant conversations, now play on a loop. I remember how we sat together in the van, looking at two crows sitting on a bench. I remember thinking “remember this”. By following my instinct I photographed him constantly. I videoed him while he did those wonderful things he did. I photographed him sleeping. I drew him sleeping. I embedded so many images of him in my mind. Now they have become what is left. I am quite content to sit alone curled up with the blanket that covered him most nights. If the phone rings I let it. I stare at it willing it to go away.
How many others feel this way?
I concentrate and accomplish one thing then I have to rest for I feel like I ran a marathon [even though I never have but you get the drift].
I again have to leave you all if anyone reads this and try and accomplish another thing or two today. Then I will close the blinds and sleep.

Poem of Dear Diary nov 17

I walk with the rhythm of cold

touching my lips

Your hands wrapped around my hips

Movement fills

my eyes roll back mimicking my spine

Two become one, our hearts merge and beat as one

Your thunder fills my wonder

You smell the same as I

I look into your eyes

there is a galaxy of dots and lines forming a path

I will look for the crumbs they you have laid

So we may in another universe re unite

I miss you each and every night.

 

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Over Whelmed ……AGAIN?

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Will there be a time again, that I will again have five good days in a row?

To want to get out of bed.

To be excited about the new day.

All night, my mind was spinning again!

What will I do? Where will I go?

The season is upon us. The time when many get high on food and alcohol. I have spent too many days eating, trying to feed this feeling in my chest. Nothing sees to fill it. Alcohol is a bore and mischievous. It gives you a moment of feeling ok then puts you to sleep only to wake you up with the midnight madness filling your room. No amount of lights seem to rid this creepy crawly from following you around till dawn then your day is done. So alcohol is a bore and not to be trusted.

I think we should re introduce the waring of black or possibly all dark purple so everyone will know your in mourning. Not that you want to be centred out, only so you will not be imposed on.

Is it my inability of coping that this is lingering? 

I get so annoyed when I’m told “oh just be happy!” Like its merely a personal decision. These words come from someone that has never been a widow.

Are we special? hell no. But we are who we are and we certainly don’t need our feelings to be trivialized like that.

The mind explodes

The breath skips

The neck stiffens

The heart shrinks a bit more

Tightens like leather when soaked in tears

How will I live out my years