Widowed Without A Manual

Some of us grieve longer then others. I will not be rushed out of my love, that still inhabits my heart.

Haven’t Made Any Sense Yet

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Being by the great ocean seems to be what I needed. I did come with so many intensions, so many things that I was going to do. To do.. To Do ..To Do… Do Do Do
[quote from Across the Universe Movie]
I was so mentally prepared……..Or so I thought.
I had scheduled a couple of days to orient myself…………Clearly not enough.
I filled a suitcase with paints, canvas, markers………….What I really could use are pastels.
I planned on borrowing a bike no less…………….What was I thinking?  Who was I attempting to impress? Myself?
Possibly. It did not happen. 
I have walked and taken more pictures then even I could have imagined. I am picking things up and bringing them home. I have started one painting but clearly it will not get finished. I have gessoed three canvases and have drawn on one. I seem to be able to spend an amazing amount of time looking. I can sit or stand by the ocean and watch every new wave come in. Noticing how everyone is different. There are days when the count of four will bring the biggest wave then it starts again.

Other days its five or six. 

What I have found is that the ocean seems to be breathing. Some breaths are long and deep others short and sharp.
Have I come here to breath? Have I forgotten how to breath? This word has become my most thought about word and most written since I’ve come here. Today I was wondering if I was over stimulated. Too much of a good thing? Could result in doing nothing. So I found refuge, back to my camera.
Photographing things I have picked up in the X-ray method. There is balance, calm, integrity, art in doing this. For me anyway.
I have come to think out here that my ‘self’ my inner being or self has gotten diminished. Not completely for sure and many will think what is she saying she seems to have quite the extrovert personality. You are right on those counts but it’s something different that I am trying to find here.
Purpose? Focus? Goal? Project? Show? New Series? Two years!!!!!! God I can’t believe it’s been that long!
Is this the general path of Widowhood? I see so many that can get going. They seem fine.
So for your viewing pleasure I will include some of my experiments. I’ve talked long enough. Cheers!

 

This gallery contains 18 photos

New Land, New Memories?

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I had thought that coming to Newfoundland would somehow transform me. Like my right of passage. “You have grieved long enough now go forth and live, breath as others”

Does not work that way,,, apparently. I am speaking to B more now then ever.

Look Love, check this out!

Ahhh isn’t that wonderful?

I hear youuuuu.

Today I FINALLY STARTED A PAINTING~~~~~~~

Yes finally. The sweet guy at the hardware store only had a hand saw, Yes a friggin hand saw!!!!!!! so I asked ever so sweetly I will pay you more can you cut the 4×8 sheet into four pieces so I can at least fit it in my rental car?

So Sweet!!!!!! Not so very straight but what the hell I can cut it when I get home. Here in lies the dilemma? Do I paint two on each section? Well hell you would think so. But am I? no not at all I have 2 x 4 and I am using 2×4.

I miss talking about my excitement with him. I know al the stuff everyone says but I really don’t care!

It has only been two years and in so many ways the reality is sinking in now. So wait for it!! you think your doing fine your so used to working and living alone. NOpe it does not work that way. There is another blogger that really seemed to be dealing with things in such a mature manner. Man I was impressed and yet felt what is going to happen when they wake up and have this shock of being alone? I personally do not wish this on anyone. I understand from all the grieving  sites and books that we all have to go through it completely before we are over it or at least to the point where we can comfortably put one foot in front of the other and hopefully there is a destination.

I want to move here! I want support and encouragement but I know it will not happen and thus the wind will be stolen from my sails and I will be back where I started.

I can’t argue with people. I rely on my gut instinct and my heart they say what will you do you know no one there.

There is a 3500sq ft church for sale for 55,000.00 asking.  not far from the airport. It could be my place and an artist residency. I could advertise for artists to come stay a month at a time. all year long.

If I do this I can at least go to my ashes and afterlife knowing that I did something for me and because I wanted to. Is that so bad?

To conclude: Its hard making decisions just based on me. No children, no husband, just me. I’m going to be 60 next tuesday. How much more time do I have to do one thing I want?IMG_9155 IMG_9021 IMG_9152 IMG_9168 IMG_9201 IMG_9145 DSC_0081 IMG_8943 IMG_8985 IMG_8833 IMG_8820 DSC_0041 IMG_8746 IMG_8740 IMG_8729

Seven Hundred and Thirty Days and Nights

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October 2 1014

Two years.

Seven hundren and thirty days and nights.

When I think of waking up seven hundren and thirty times I feel exhausted.

I wonder to myself, why do I even commemorate this day?

The day my husband died!

Would it not be better , emotionally anyway to commemorate the first time we made love, or the first time we looked at eachother and just knew that a life had just begun.

Why do we commemorate when someone very dear to us left?

Poof!

Gone.

On that moment.

That split second, we become consumed with sadness.

There is a void. Black emptiness where someone once filled the space, now no more.

Like a lung collapsing,whusshhhhhhhhh.

It takes us a while before we can take a deep breath again.

A while before we fully understand that we are now alone.

While friends and family are vastly important it’s often better not telling them of this lonliness.

They take it personally, or feel insulted that their presents does not compare.

Days do get better. Meds help a lot.  

 

 

Grieving may be embarrasing to others.

Grieving is an extension of the love I feel.

For me anyway.

Everyone is different.

Today I feel an intense pain in my chest. I know its because my mind has learned how to shut things out, but the pain just shows up somewhere else.

Two years.

Seven hundren and thirty days and nights.

 

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This gallery contains 2 photos