Days When You Wonder If Your Sane

Possibly too much time spent alone can get you drifting into strange areas. If your an artist well then you may be accustom.

Its the aloneness of yourself.

You can’t spend time with people all the time especially if your not that attracted to company. Its that single person’s company that you miss. The one person that got you. The person with whom you did not have to explain things and that person who understood being alone.
Some people try and help but I don’t think anyone can help us at this point. I still feel that I have to walk this path for a reason. That there is something I might have to learn about myself in order to more forward. God is it this hard for others?  I know I will never want another relationship for this one has taken so much out of me. To have been woven together for so long. Our veins pumping the same blood to the same organs keeping us alive. Then one day each one has been severed leaving you to bleed out. Perhaps all this time is a process of cauterizing each and every vein so we can continue to live.

Lately I have been attempting to get our place up for sale. That is a job I tell you.

Things keep going wrong. I will not let myself get frustrated and angry because I just haven’t got it in me anymore. My emotions are tired. I have taken to writing dialogue as if I were speaking to B. Truthfully its kind of nice writing them. You may want to try it for fun and if it works, keep doing it. I have also included some fun photo essays I am working on to shake my brain up a bit.

THE difference in dealing with  things when your alone is that there is no one to say,
Hell I don’t know .What do you think?
Did you try the things ma jig?
Ya//
What about that?…
Ya…
Was there any pressure?
No..
Was the pump running long?
Don’t Know.
Did you get to make the coffee?
No.
Dam!
When can you call the plumber?
I was going to wait till 8am.
Call the Fu… now!
Na you have to be nice. the kid was very nice.
Ya but yo still don’t have water>
I know but hay its 8 I’ll try now.
Ok let me know.So what did the plumber say?

Well I thought I would be getting his answering machine, instead he answered but he was at his cottage.
Well thats good did he come over?
No.. you can’t as someone to come home from the cottage to fix your tank!
Well why not?
Because I just would not feel right about it. He did tell me to prime it again and to check if there was a leak anywhere or if the well went dry.
That’s a stupid thing to as a client to do. I would never leave someone hanging with no water on the long weekend.
Well artists are more concerned with others then the trades.
So did you prime the pump?
No. I did lift the concrete lid and confirmed that the well was full nearly to the top.
So what are you doing?
I first wanted to retreat like a frightened fox but then I decided that the city was not a place I wanted to spend the weekend. I could not pounce on my friends again so I decided F”Kit I will go back to the cottage mode that ai was in before I had water.
I don’t want to constantly bore people with all this drama.
Well its not as if your creating the drama!
I know but everyone has their own drama to deal with.
So??? what you doing?
Well I did kind of melt back into bed like I was clued down from head to toe. A good part of the glue seeping its way into my brain allowing me to watch the little dvd screen with open deer kind of eyes with no brain activity.
I don’t know how you can do that. It would drive me crazy. I would have to be doing something.
Ya well that’s you. I looked at everything I have been wanting to do.
I pulled wet weeds from three reflecting pools causing my ass cheeks to ache. Without water. I trying to organize the kitchen a bit with boiled water and took it as far as I could. I don’t want to start painting the container for it would require good real water to wash afterwards. I can’t start my waxes for the dust in the studio is too much without running water to wash things and myself., Suffice to say. I will watch dvd’s and eat oranges.
No wonder you don’t get anywhere! You just don’t have what it takes to be a successful artist.
Well to hell with you.
Right back at you.
Talk to you tomorrow?
Ya sure.

OR I COULD JUST BE LOOSING IT HEHEHEH

As Long as We Continue To Wake Up In The Morning …..We Are Doing Just Fine.

Advertisements

Many Changes

IMG_2660

Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Its been a while since I wrote. I really should have written last week for I was pretty happy then. Some happiness still lingers and I do try to hold on to it’s tail with a good grip.
Another move is upon me. With each one I believe it gets better and more toward where I am meant to be. This answer I do not know, incase you were waiting for one.

I have had a great invite to live in the country with a studio one hundred paces away. Not unlike my own home at the other end of the city, but that is not where I am going. I was and still am very happy with the thought that I will have my own larger space and my own kitchen and a place to paint more freely. The sun shines in that kitchen first thing in the morning! My fantasy is to look for thick blue wine glasses. I also thought I would save the left over blue bathroom tiles from our bathroom [B and my] and then when I find a suitable kitchen rectangular table I would glue the blue tiles to it! This way I will always start my days with memories of B and our breakfast times.

With every good thing there must come one that will grind at our hearts. I try to think and be positive, for I can hear the ‘ohhhhhhh nooooooooss’ from my friends silent thoughts. My real home will be vacated, this news was not delivered without warning, I knew that things were becoming more and more difficult for my tenants. This time with great effort on my part I was determined to be positive. Mostly because being sad and negative has just made me deeply and very despondent for days. I just can’t let myself do that anymore, it hurts too much!
I am looking at this as just having one more door open. I will sort out all of B’s things in the calm summer sun. I will have this as an opportunity to properly say good bye to my home, and my life that I had there. I do believe that it is meant to be. Being able to have it as my cottage for a while will be good for me and the family. I plan on letting them all know of its availability and that this summer will be the time to go stay there and have a proper good bye to their dad and granddad. You see how I am consciously deciding to look at the positive and not fall down the black hole of negative.
So that is that!

I am also currently preparing for a huge 80 piece art show. That is quite an undertaking. I know my body is reacting to the stress from it by pinching my neck or sharp pains in my back and sides. I just make sure that sleep is the thing that I do not restrict myself of. I know! Hehehe have I ever!

So my friends out there know that if you are in the beginnings of your grieving to not be so hard on yourself. Be as your body tells you to be. Follow your gut instinct. I know its hard and very frightening for we humans have not practiced this but it does get better and a life will emerge. Just enjoy the journey. Yes I did say enjoy, for even grief is a good thing. Grief just means your very sad for your loss and why should you not be. Everyone grieves differently. I think because I’m an artist that I am trained to dive into such emotions and pull out images or words. It only makes sense that my grieving will be a bit darker then normal I think anyway. Have yourself a day of happiness or sadness or sleep.

Its all good.

IMG_8746

Newfoundland lives.

I miss newfoundland.
It feels like having had a short affair. One of many days full of discovery and just looking at each other. I had been wanting of sand beaches full of discovered shells. I only found one short span of a sand beach but it was frequent of sea weeds and rocks. I have fallen in love with the soft edged rocks that sing when the waves dance over them. I am in love with the waves, oh such waves! I have never related to waves of such depth and poetry. They spoke to me gently in my ears while their movement rocked me to neverland. I really wanted a sandy shore where the tide left twos a day and I could walk out onto the floor or its depts. Finding shells nearly all covered with sand. I found,,,,not a one in such a manner. But I did leave open the doors to my heart and in slipped the rocky shores and furry waves of newfoundland.
I am in love with newfoundland.

It knows but it is not afraid of sadness. The crusty winds that rush over her face never deter her. NFL knows who she is and does not try to be anything but. I need to go there some more so I may be.

IMG_8833 IMG_9168 IMG_9155