Newfoundland lives.

I miss newfoundland.
It feels like having had a short affair. One of many days full of discovery and just looking at each other. I had been wanting of sand beaches full of discovered shells. I only found one short span of a sand beach but it was frequent of sea weeds and rocks. I have fallen in love with the soft edged rocks that sing when the waves dance over them. I am in love with the waves, oh such waves! I have never related to waves of such depth and poetry. They spoke to me gently in my ears while their movement rocked me to neverland. I really wanted a sandy shore where the tide left twos a day and I could walk out onto the floor or its depts. Finding shells nearly all covered with sand. I found,,,,not a one in such a manner. But I did leave open the doors to my heart and in slipped the rocky shores and furry waves of newfoundland.
I am in love with newfoundland.

It knows but it is not afraid of sadness. The crusty winds that rush over her face never deter her. NFL knows who she is and does not try to be anything but. I need to go there some more so I may be.

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One Year Of Blog

Today I finished editing my poems from Dear Diary. It is the first edit and I removed 30 pages. Re-reading over 90 pages has been exhausting. Nearly every poem brought me back to its origin of thought. Re-living those days effects you I just don’t quite know how it will end.¬†

As the weeks come and go I find myself further and further away from the open wounds. I also find myself in the middle of a tall forest and wondering what to do next. Since Newfoundland I have wanted to sleep, more then usual ūüôā which is a lot. ¬†Nothing left to say on this one year day.

Haven’t Made Any Sense Yet

Being by the great ocean seems to be what I needed. I did come with so many intensions, so many things that I was going to do. To do.. To Do ..To Do… Do Do Do
[quote from Across the Universe Movie]
I was so mentally prepared……..Or so I thought.
I had scheduled a couple of days to orient myself…………Clearly not enough.
I filled a suitcase with paints, canvas, markers………….What I really could use are pastels.
I planned on borrowing a bike no less…………….What was I thinking? ¬†Who was I attempting to impress? Myself?
Possibly. It did not happen. 
I have walked and taken more pictures then even I could have imagined. I am picking things up and bringing them home. I have started one painting but clearly it will not get finished. I have gessoed three canvases and have drawn on one. I seem to be able to spend an amazing amount of time looking. I can sit or stand by the ocean and watch every new wave come in. Noticing how everyone is different. There are days when the count of four will bring the biggest wave then it starts again.

Other days its five or six. 

What I have found is that the ocean seems to be breathing. Some breaths are long and deep others short and sharp.
Have I come here to breath? Have I forgotten how to breath? This word has become my most thought about word and most written since I’ve come here. Today I was wondering if I was over stimulated. Too much of a good thing? Could result in doing nothing. So I found refuge, back to my camera.
Photographing things I have picked up in the X-ray method. There is balance, calm, integrity, art in doing this. For me anyway.
I have come to think out here that my ‘self’ my inner being or self has gotten diminished. Not completely for sure and many will think what is she saying she seems to have quite the extrovert personality. You are right on those counts but it’s something different that I am trying to find here.
Purpose? Focus? Goal? Project? Show? New Series? Two years!!!!!! God I can’t believe it’s been that long!
Is this the general path of Widowhood? I see so many that can get going. They seem fine.
So for your viewing pleasure I will include some of my experiments. I’ve talked long enough. Cheers!

 

New Land, New Memories?

I had thought that coming to Newfoundland would somehow transform me. Like my right of passage. “You have grieved long enough now go forth and live, breath as others”

Does not work that way,,, apparently. I am speaking to B more now then ever.

Look Love, check this out!

Ahhh isn’t that wonderful?

I hear youuuuu.

Today I FINALLY STARTED A PAINTING~~~~~~~

Yes finally. The sweet guy at the hardware store only had a hand saw, Yes a friggin hand saw!!!!!!! so I asked ever so sweetly I will pay you more can you cut the 4×8 sheet into four pieces so I can at least fit it in my rental car?

So Sweet!!!!!! Not so very straight but what the hell I can cut it when I get home. Here in lies the dilemma? Do I paint two on each section? Well hell you would think so. But am I? no not at all I have 2 x 4 and I am using 2×4.

I miss talking about my excitement with him. I know al the stuff everyone says but I really don’t care!

It has only been two years and in so many ways the reality is sinking in now. So wait for it!! you think your doing fine your so used to working and living alone. NOpe it does not work that way. There is another blogger that really seemed to be dealing with things in such a mature manner. Man I was impressed and yet felt what is going to happen when they wake up and have this shock of being alone? I personally do not wish this on anyone. I understand from all the grieving  sites and books that we all have to go through it completely before we are over it or at least to the point where we can comfortably put one foot in front of the other and hopefully there is a destination.

I want to move here! I want support and encouragement but I know it will not happen and thus the wind will be stolen from my sails and I will be back where I started.

I can’t argue with people. I rely on my gut instinct and my heart they say what will you do you know no one there.

There is a 3500sq ft church for sale for 55,000.00 asking.  not far from the airport. It could be my place and an artist residency. I could advertise for artists to come stay a month at a time. all year long.

If I do this I can at least go to my ashes and afterlife knowing that I did something for me and because I wanted to. Is that so bad?

To conclude: Its hard making decisions just based on me. No children, no husband, just me. I’m going to be 60 next tuesday. How much more time do I have to do one thing I want?IMG_9155 IMG_9021 IMG_9152 IMG_9168 IMG_9201 IMG_9145 DSC_0081 IMG_8943 IMG_8985 IMG_8833 IMG_8820 DSC_0041 IMG_8746 IMG_8740 IMG_8729

There is a Saltbox House Waiting for Me

 

 

 

 

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There is a saltbox house waiting for me in Newfoundland. This will be my first trip alone. My first trip without B. This time it will be me sketching and painting. Will I remember things differently? Will I take things in differently?
To have all questions directed at me will and has been different. Before I would chose which I felt like commenting on, now I must reply to all.

I really do have a burning desire to create something. The shortness of two weeks to go builds excitement in me.
The decision to bring canvases or not is now an un-issue. I will bring canvas cloth then purchase 1/8″ plywood and paint if I feel the need to go bigger. I will not restrict myself when I get out there.

This week I was casting and finishing some castings for my series. It was this spring and last fall that I cast these but it has been taking me a while to finish them. I think that with every sculpture I polish the memories come alive. The fill me and often they absorb me. As the months tick on by I feel better able to not let them exhaust me so much.