Widowed Without A Manual

Some of us grieve longer then others. I will not be rushed out of my love, that still inhabits my heart.

Saffron On The Line

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Photo on 2017-08-01 at 8.01 AM #2

saffron hangs with folds of gold
the morning sun draws white lines on each fold
I fear my sunflowers will show their faces while I am gone
droplets of moister hangs onto the tip of the heavy leaves
transparent and delicate yet I can sense its weight

for a moment the air that surrounds me 
fills with a fragrance 
of a flower bidding good morning to the sun
my eyes, drawn to only one
amongst a wave of deep purple
only one looks back at me
fluttering in the still air

then it comes
sensing the opportunity
that moment when the world knows you are distracted
when it knows you feel at ease and secure
then it comes
like a hawk flying over his terrain
waiting for that moment
the moment when it is least suspected
when you have mindlessly left the door to your heart open
when you have let your guard down
it walks in and fucks with you
smiles, camouflage the dagger
I repeat myself
I repeat my self
I repeat myself
out of disappointment in myself
anger points only to me, 
for only I am to blame
weeks have passed where I have felt secure
feeling that I may be able to live
some kind of life
the universe knows when there is a soft spot
evil and good fly side by side
there is no real dissimilarity

what road must I walk next
must my entire life be the endless turning of pages
from a large book of lessons
perhaps, my moments of feeling secure
my naked feet on the warm earth
is the wrong path
perhaps I am not to get comfortable
I am not to be here
could that be the next lesson

I am so conditioned to please
so conditioned it that I feel I need to throw up
why is an open, extended hand perceived as weakness
perhaps it’s the old saying
survival of the fittest
there are no solutions
no crystal ball
just grin and bear it till the end

my saffron hangs on the line
all tangled unable to move back or forth
the symbolism is uncanny

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Why Can’t i Make ONE Decision

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Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.17 AM #2

 

When I was looking after B, I made decisions ever day every hour.
Or What?
I am not able to see into next week let alone the rest of my life.
My property should have been listed and yet here I am
I am doing something all the time and yet
I hardly see progress
Something that I used to do instantly has now become this slow ,,,,,,thought,,,,process,,,
I’m in bed by seven pm and by four pm then by ten round about i am asleep
Dreaming has become a collection of strange events.
I dreamt that I was driving this huge White pickup truck,, then either the sides of the road grew to three feet or I drove into an ally that came to a V,,,, here I was stopped,,,,, could go no further,,,,,when I hear a sound that was very loud!! so loud I thought it was a bomb or a tire exploding,,,,I woke,,,,
I dreamt that urgent repairs had to be made on my house,,,,,i was in the living room but it looked like a first floor basement or it was the living room turned into the basement,,,, the walls were stone or stock type whitish,,,,,there were two strange men there,,,,, trying to give me an estimate I suppose,,,,, the furnace was there,,,, there were half walls,,,, the strange men were shaking their heads,,,, [my neck is tight,, has been for three days now,,} the men kept saying could be fixed but will cost,,, everything was will cost will cost will cost will cost will cost,,,an old friend that used to live in the area appeared in the room,,,he looked at one deteriorating wall and said if we move this over we could use the same drywall??????
These are my nights when I should be resting.
My neck feels like someone is grabbing me from the back and will not let go

Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.48 AM

People try and help but they only put the fear of god in me
They project their fears on me with such intensity that I question my own mind
Do I do this to them?
Do I push my opinions?
Is this a way of getting back at me?
Do they really want to help or do they envied me my freedom?
Do I have freedom?
I hope I don’t continue like this
It will kill me if it does
That would not be such a bad thing.
Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.48 AM #3

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