happy anniversary?

IMG_9934 (1)

there are mirrors everywhere

reflecting  images of you

lingering memories

time suspended above our heads

following us like a cloud or bubble

why do they linger

unfinished conversations

misunderstood moments

do they just linger

wanting,,, more of what was

time taken too quickly

I may have begun a transformation

my hands may have changed

nails, long and curved like a birds claws

the keen awareness of a crows eye

may now be my eyes

my hooked nose transformed into a beak 

flying in the night when the moon is bright 

looking for drifting moments of time

gathering our words that float loosely in the sky

many believe that cutting the wires that hold us

will relieve the tension and we will be freed 

freed to what conclusion I ask

free to look aimlessly into the sky

wondering what or why

we are told to love purely

we are told to honour our grief when the time comes

then we are told to leave it behind

to start a new

this might be the part

too difficult for me to do

my heart grows tired

covered with morning dew

let me sleep by the waves

so I may hear the music

of departed hearts 

bring me back to the waters 

so I may float in peace

IMG_9933 (1)

The Power Of Music

 

2

I stand with left foot firmly placed on the matt
right foot bent at the knuckles and placed on the other foot
my belly leans against the counter before me
a typewriter sits, waiting
a white ceramic countertop
fingers move across the keys
holding thoughts from my mind
to the right,
a thin stemmed red wine glass sits half full
within easy reach of my right hand
the room fills with classical sounds 
violins, piano and cello
with its deep tones that are able to lift me off the floor

Right-hand reaches to pick up the glass
tongue creeps past my lips 
moving back and forth 
to moisten
to prepare
to be seduced by the fully aged red
that tastes like a burgundy
like rose petals that have fallen
and left to soak in the sun
enticing the sugars to dance
the first sip has all those qualities
it lingers and speaks
only, to the insides of your eyelids

As I lean forward
still with eyes closed
I wonder what the point would be
to take a second sip
for the second will only pale to the first
no more will there be anticipation
no awakening of the senses
the map will have been drawn

NOW

Sit back and listen
to the movements of the violins and cello
let the spirits take you
to your inner world
that only awakes 
when your eyelids are drawn
when your heart opens to the song

1.jpg

 

 

I Don’t Want to Let Him Go

IMG_6924

 

I waited for the sun to burn a hole through me
but it didn’t
I wanted the heat to evaporate the heaviness that is in me
but it didn’t
I wanted the clouds to fly so low that they picked me up and took me with them
but they didn’t
I want my lead heart to be removed
so I may feel no more
feelings and thoughts
stay locked behind the door
that possesses no key
thoughts and feelings
like cement they compress become dense then petrify
the body grows heavy
feet expand accommodating the weight
arms pull down from the scapula
the neck can no longer support the weight of your head
you disintegrate from the inside out

sadly
all of this has to happen privately
no one wants to see or hear of this

if you speak
you must present it  like something that
HAS BEEN
HAVE FELT
everything must be
in the past tense
with victorious results

So….. privately you …….
live in this world…..
with a glimmer of hope…
hope
that if you can
draw a line
manipulate wax
apply colour to canvas
that you will some how
have lightened your load

then again that is the hope

Question:
What do others do?
How do others cope with the processing and not leaving behind unfelt emotions?
In casual conversation with my sister in law she said, ‘You don’t want to let him go’.
Oddly I felt great relief hearing her say that for she was so very right. I don’t want to let him go. We were not divorced, he was taken from me by a terrible illness. He did not want to leave me. So I suppose I have to find a way to live without his physical self and enjoy the endless memories, and continue to blog with the hope that I might help even one person.

IMG_6955