What is a home

 

walking on shadowed footprints
my soles weakened, thin, bruised
standing in front of yet another door
another passage for me to travel
what now?

months of sorting, trashing, packing
four solid days of burning
forty years [i guess] of files, receipts, birthday cards, letters
memories and momentoes

reading and reliving every recipt, every note
the flames dance entertaining me with their different colours
trying to distract to amuse me
flames acting like small court jesters
they seem to understand how difficult this is
for this is one of the hardest things I had not ever anticipated

I did this, I saved every single recipt
every single hand written note
I ask myself why
did I ever think this would be important to do
why did I date every single drawing he drew
this matters to no one

Have I given my life away
as I lived in his shadow
did the sun not reach my heart and soul
now, I stand completly alone
will the sun even see me
or will I be one of many seeds that never sprouts
a seed that remains underground
its only purpose to fertilize the earth
for others to grow

So many thoughts racing in my mind
words gridlock
blocking every exit
I will drive till I find one
then I will plant seeds of my dna

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When Self-doubt Hits

1

when self-doubt hits

it seeps into one’s flesh

spreads with haste

a painter’s brush

coated with pigment

like a kiss

it touches the water soaked parchment

camouflaging all intentions

swiftly it moves across the surface

changing everything

into shades of   anything

insecurity hits and leaves a mark

like a bruise deep into your muscle tissue2

it changes you

you might look in a mirror

you might see a reflection

is it you

or

is it one of a stranger?

does it possess a hint of what was

is everything slightly off

does it look like vertigo feels?                                       3

one’s equilibrium thrown off kilter

reality is fickle

once  known

now a stranger

looking back at you

 

 

 

 

 

december 10 2018

drawings © by tamayagarner

 

Questions

 

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what is reality
is it a circle
does it have a razor’s edge
do we live in one dimension
are there doorways in constant loop
changing angles, colours, temperatures

IMG_0977

 

are we bits of memories
floating through space
unaware of our true physical selves
if in fact, we are

 

perhaps we are merely code
being created every second
an anomaly that exists like dust
floating about with every exhale
we are so impressed with ourselves
yet we did not create this planet or universe
we may very well be a mistake
what will one day rectify itself

this poses more questions
of which I am cautious in reflection
perhaps science is just a method
to understand the mechanics
leaving the wheel of life
to its mystery

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december 4 2018

First Snow

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Sitting here
the room full of white light
reflection of the morning snow
Sitting here
my fingers concentrating
mini stitches on my quilt
Sitting here
no real desire to step outside my room
watching artist documentaries on youtube
Sitting here
no ambition
no thoughts of future
no aspirations
still, I feel warm, content,
mindful and awe-inspiring of such greats
Andrew Wyeth
Hammershoi of which I have never heard but now love
Sitting here
my finger on ‘enter’
within seconds I am engulfed in lives
Mary and Christoper Pratt
I think of their brilliance
I think ‘what is the point?’
Sitting here
knowing we are not to compare
but truly what is the point
Sitting here
I am relieved that the microwave has beeped
I can now leave
comfort myself with lemon tea
another documentary
perhaps to find purpose
‘The scene continues with a dialogue  between artist and microwave’
Yes! I am coming! I am coming!
microwaves will rule us yet.
IMG_0785
This has been silly side effects of the first snow day.

happy anniversary?

IMG_9934 (1)

there are mirrors everywhere

reflecting  images of you

lingering memories

time suspended above our heads

following us like a cloud or bubble

why do they linger

unfinished conversations

misunderstood moments

do they just linger

wanting,,, more of what was

time taken too quickly

I may have begun a transformation

my hands may have changed

nails, long and curved like a birds claws

the keen awareness of a crows eye

may now be my eyes

my hooked nose transformed into a beak 

flying in the night when the moon is bright 

looking for drifting moments of time

gathering our words that float loosely in the sky

many believe that cutting the wires that hold us

will relieve the tension and we will be freed 

freed to what conclusion I ask

free to look aimlessly into the sky

wondering what or why

we are told to love purely

we are told to honour our grief when the time comes

then we are told to leave it behind

to start a new

this might be the part

too difficult for me to do

my heart grows tired

covered with morning dew

let me sleep by the waves

so I may hear the music

of departed hearts 

bring me back to the waters 

so I may float in peace

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Time, Illusion or Reality​

Time Illustion or Reality 2018

looking into the mirror

seeing a reflection

glare of wonder

will the image change

if I lock on and freeze eye to eye

a slight burning of the lids distract

floaters passing by like fluffy clouds in an open sky

when they dissolve  and the mirror is again in focus

for a moment an image is captured

or a thought is born

no one really knows

I look again and 

past my reflection deep into a corner

I see life of a past time

like a movie reel ticking along

is our life present connected to our life past

do each play out in different zones

have I discovered the rabbit hole to my own existence

how often does our life play out

does my mirror reflect inside

reflect inside, reflect inside, inside, inside

past becoming present

present becoming future

is my life a kaleidoscope of time

do I even exist or 

am I just a flash of  light in the mirror 

are these my thoughts

my handwritten words

am I a form of electromagnet energy bits

collecting and passing time

is that me I see in the mirror

or is it something else

something I don’t yet understand

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Sitting
elbows weighing heavily on the wooden table
chin
bearing down in the palms of my hands
breathing
irregular
chest
held captive by
words, thoughts, images, sounds

Where
are the waves crashing against the ancient rock
the ocean, filled with memories of time
where
is the cello that moans with the wind
quenching my parched heart

I fill my ears with notes of Glass
the tapping of ivory keys
vibrate through my skin

my skin
my skin
that has been holding a million tears
holding, like some golden treasure
an illusion that I have created
a place that I run to when the world feels foreign

Glass fingers keep tapping
causing my heart to swell, expand, expose itself
music eclipses sorrow
holding and slowing time
I pause 
allowing my breath to penetrate
my heart to go quiet
allowing myself to feel the rhythm

One note
a continuance of notes
all are the blood that nourishes
my mind and heart
it can be heard everywhere
it can also be seen
as it touches  a leaf on a tree
or skips along the water’s surface
music
the motivation of life

september 12 2017

 

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Broken Sleep

Photo on 2017-08-14 at 10.54 AM

 

 

 

 

 

Broken sleep————
my brain attempts —-to
continue at a normal pace
broken sleep

Sentences drift
half phrases — repeat
no coherent, trace
nothing but
blank
endless space

Photo on 2017-08-14 at 10.56 AM

Darkness surrounded by a moat
this is where I stay afloat
void of sight
void of sound
nothing touching
all around

Brocken sleep ——
starves my mind
can my soul go blind?
excuse me while I
flatline _____________________
august 14 2017

 

 

Saffron On The Line

Photo on 2017-08-01 at 8.01 AM #2

saffron hangs with folds of gold
the morning sun draws white lines on each fold
I fear my sunflowers will show their faces while I am gone
droplets of moister hangs onto the tip of the heavy leaves
transparent and delicate yet I can sense its weight

for a moment the air that surrounds me 
fills with a fragrance 
of a flower bidding good morning to the sun
my eyes, drawn to only one
amongst a wave of deep purple
only one looks back at me
fluttering in the still air

then it comes
sensing the opportunity
that moment when the world knows you are distracted
when it knows you feel at ease and secure
then it comes
like a hawk flying over his terrain
waiting for that moment
the moment when it is least suspected
when you have mindlessly left the door to your heart open
when you have let your guard down
it walks in and fucks with you
smiles, camouflage the dagger
I repeat myself
I repeat my self
I repeat myself
out of disappointment in myself
anger points only to me, 
for only I am to blame
weeks have passed where I have felt secure
feeling that I may be able to live
some kind of life
the universe knows when there is a soft spot
evil and good fly side by side
there is no real dissimilarity

what road must I walk next
must my entire life be the endless turning of pages
from a large book of lessons
perhaps, my moments of feeling secure
my naked feet on the warm earth
is the wrong path
perhaps I am not to get comfortable
I am not to be here
could that be the next lesson

I am so conditioned to please
so conditioned it that I feel I need to throw up
why is an open, extended hand perceived as weakness
perhaps it’s the old saying
survival of the fittest
there are no solutions
no crystal ball
just grin and bear it till the end

my saffron hangs on the line
all tangled unable to move back or forth
the symbolism is uncanny

Days When You Wonder If Your Sane

Possibly too much time spent alone can get you drifting into strange areas. If your an artist well then you may be accustom.

Its the aloneness of yourself.

You can’t spend time with people all the time especially if your not that attracted to company. Its that single person’s company that you miss. The one person that got you. The person with whom you did not have to explain things and that person who understood being alone.
Some people try and help but I don’t think anyone can help us at this point. I still feel that I have to walk this path for a reason. That there is something I might have to learn about myself in order to more forward. God is it this hard for others?  I know I will never want another relationship for this one has taken so much out of me. To have been woven together for so long. Our veins pumping the same blood to the same organs keeping us alive. Then one day each one has been severed leaving you to bleed out. Perhaps all this time is a process of cauterizing each and every vein so we can continue to live.

Lately I have been attempting to get our place up for sale. That is a job I tell you.

Things keep going wrong. I will not let myself get frustrated and angry because I just haven’t got it in me anymore. My emotions are tired. I have taken to writing dialogue as if I were speaking to B. Truthfully its kind of nice writing them. You may want to try it for fun and if it works, keep doing it. I have also included some fun photo essays I am working on to shake my brain up a bit.

THE difference in dealing with  things when your alone is that there is no one to say,
Hell I don’t know .What do you think?
Did you try the things ma jig?
Ya//
What about that?…
Ya…
Was there any pressure?
No..
Was the pump running long?
Don’t Know.
Did you get to make the coffee?
No.
Dam!
When can you call the plumber?
I was going to wait till 8am.
Call the Fu… now!
Na you have to be nice. the kid was very nice.
Ya but yo still don’t have water>
I know but hay its 8 I’ll try now.
Ok let me know.So what did the plumber say?

Well I thought I would be getting his answering machine, instead he answered but he was at his cottage.
Well thats good did he come over?
No.. you can’t as someone to come home from the cottage to fix your tank!
Well why not?
Because I just would not feel right about it. He did tell me to prime it again and to check if there was a leak anywhere or if the well went dry.
That’s a stupid thing to as a client to do. I would never leave someone hanging with no water on the long weekend.
Well artists are more concerned with others then the trades.
So did you prime the pump?
No. I did lift the concrete lid and confirmed that the well was full nearly to the top.
So what are you doing?
I first wanted to retreat like a frightened fox but then I decided that the city was not a place I wanted to spend the weekend. I could not pounce on my friends again so I decided F”Kit I will go back to the cottage mode that ai was in before I had water.
I don’t want to constantly bore people with all this drama.
Well its not as if your creating the drama!
I know but everyone has their own drama to deal with.
So??? what you doing?
Well I did kind of melt back into bed like I was clued down from head to toe. A good part of the glue seeping its way into my brain allowing me to watch the little dvd screen with open deer kind of eyes with no brain activity.
I don’t know how you can do that. It would drive me crazy. I would have to be doing something.
Ya well that’s you. I looked at everything I have been wanting to do.
I pulled wet weeds from three reflecting pools causing my ass cheeks to ache. Without water. I trying to organize the kitchen a bit with boiled water and took it as far as I could. I don’t want to start painting the container for it would require good real water to wash afterwards. I can’t start my waxes for the dust in the studio is too much without running water to wash things and myself., Suffice to say. I will watch dvd’s and eat oranges.
No wonder you don’t get anywhere! You just don’t have what it takes to be a successful artist.
Well to hell with you.
Right back at you.
Talk to you tomorrow?
Ya sure.

OR I COULD JUST BE LOOSING IT HEHEHEH

As Long as We Continue To Wake Up In The Morning …..We Are Doing Just Fine.