I’m sitting here in front of my computer screen, thinking. How do I sum up this month in NewFoundland?
I came with suitcases full of anticipation and direction. As I sit here wondering what it was that pulled me here, I can only make assumptions. Perhaps it is not so important why we are drawn to something or a place but just that we are.
Assuming that a distance place where B and I never went together would somehow put his image from my mind somehow in the background. Well it was anything but. Discovering a new place just brought him more in the foreground but in a different way I think. Again, as I write, new discovered thoughts emerge. Before I came here for the two years that I lived without his physical body in front of me, I just wanted to be with him. I welcomed the idea of crossing over to continue a new life with him.
This month I have walked so many new shores and speaking to B was part of it. It was no longer longing to be with him but accepting the new relationship we have. Him on the other side and me here discovering and enjoying the new experiences while still holding him near. I think that I have [hopefully] discovered a way that I can share and communicate with him but without sadness and longing.
B’s thoughts come to me clearer here, perhaps it’s the moisture in the air hehe. I have not spent time being overly sad. The gift of walking by the ocean daily is truly a wonderful therapeutic session.
Paining? Well not much of that got done, almost completed one 30×40. I will bring it home and then we will see.
Understanding that someone you love does not leave you when they pass on is one of those things that you can tell yourself and god only knows others certainly find this a favourite phrase to tell us. I think now, that it comes when we have reached that point on our own. Thinking back in this past two years I can easily see how someone could completely loose themselves with grief. A friend say one day, grief if you allow it will eat you up. A year ago I would have said bon appetite! Today? As the sun just broke through the heavy clouds I would say, You don’t really want to eat me, I’m not very tasty heheh
Do I feel sad about leaving this island? Not today. With over 2000 photographs and videos and a laptop screaming NO MORE NO MORE! I do think I can remember the feelings enough to make me happy.
My playing by the ocean has brought me a new perspective in the views I look at. I have experimented with images and I do look forward to painting some of them out.
Always I hope that my writing this blog will in a small way help others not feel so alone and if I can find a glimmer of light I have no doubt that you can as well.