I Ran To My Friends


Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.35 AM #2

As I sit here on the back porch looking out onto vast open fields ready for planting. I have just had my morning chat with the chickens and oh my goodness I am now watching a little bird building a nest from one of the chickens feathers!!! How wonderful is that?
So let me bring you up to date on how I got here. Yesterday morning I received an email from one friend telling me that our other friend would more then likely not make the weekend.

“Swallow that big lump that is now lodged in your throat” My inclination is to speed through this for my audience [if I can call you that, although I don’t feel you are] my unknown acquaintances how about that. I have always felt that I had to rush through my thoughts so as not to bore people around me , but these are details of my friends lives, my dear friends existence how can you rush through that. What do you  omit? This winded description for one :/

Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.42 AM 2

Days to leave and say goodbye. How do you even do that?  I changed my plans and got out of town as they say. Driving directly to her home. My inclination is to stop and shop at second hand stores I don’t know why I do that but I have an idea and a shrink could probably set me right. I remembered that  when my sister died B and I drove seven hours at speeds that I normally do not approach  but we got there and she was still breathing.

The  bed was placed in her dining room over looking her garden. The windows large and to the floor. It was like an offering. My sisters body on the alter being offered to what ever. I sat with her, held her hand and the memories went rushing through my brain like a speed ball. I was relieved that she had not died before I got to see her and tell her I loved her. It is unbelievably important to tell your loved ones you love them! Then I did something stupid. Thinking that I had days with my sister I agreed to go to a second hand store just down the road and look at things,  B was looking for a pair of open sandles for he forgot to bring his for it was raining when we left home. We puttered around then went back and She Was Gone…….

Just like that I drove at dangerous speed to get there then I went shopping and missed her departure. I can’t forget that. I think it was this thought that kept running through my mine as I drove to my friends house.

I stopped and bought apple pie and cheese for protein :/ and a bottle of wine. It was not so much a celebration as hitting your emotions with sugar charbs alcohol and protein. I have experienced so many deaths from that first one that apple pie has come to be my comfort food. If you saw me you would think :Girl enough with the pies!” heheh

Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.48 AM #2

As it was my friend is still with us today whew. I took her dog for a walk but did not walk too far for its a small town and I ran into another friend who was sitting and writing in her back yard. We stopped for tea and a creative chat.

I wish you could hear the chicken in the background and I wish you could see the green grass opening up to  ghostly rows  in the open field . The sun feels glorious and healing on my skin. I don’t want to move from this spot I want to stay here through rain and snow and blowing winds I want to remain here on this spot to feel all the seasons sun touching my face.

Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.50 AM

Yesterday  did not end up about comforting my dying friend, instead it was her mother that I ended up comforting. They have a mother daughter relationship what can I say. It has its ups and downs as all of us do but that does not mean in any way that there is not an incredible love in there that they have for each other its just a bit different and hard.

I’m not about judging anyones love I just want to try and make an avenue available for departing with calm. Death comes to all of us and we really should spend a bit more time thinking about it then most of us do. Our final moments in this galaxy should have some care unless of course you die from an accident and have no time.

I don’t want to wear you down with too much chatting for I want you to follow my blog with a little bit of excitement or anticipation of what the heck will she say now hehe. Now I hope I can manage to insert some photos I took of the chickens this morning. I had to get a new laptop and it has different features designed not to make like better but to test our nerves.

I love you all for you show good taste in reading my blog heheheheh

Big hugs. Please comment.



The Quilt

Two lives intertwined
Years of words reviewed by the hearts
One falls ill
The other holds with a grip of love that will not be released
There is pure beauty present

A love so strong
How ever can that be wrong
Many will write a song

We must understand
The moment they woke each ones eyes are locked to the others soul
Another stitch is created on the quilt that created their life
Our world runs at a speed that does not encourage and rejoice in such love
To look into the eyes of our lover and feel completeness

It takes great courage to say the final words
They can not be rehearsed
They can not be scheduled
They just flow from our lips when it is right
They escape without our knowledge and can not be retrieved
For within that split second the soul is freed
We are then alone so very alone
All the air leaves home

The quilt remains——- —– —– —– —– —- —– —–

My post today was inspired by a stepdaughters mother and father in law. My attempt to write a poem of their love turned into my love. Makes sense for how would I have knowledge of theirs.

I have been in our home now for two months. There are hints of progress but mostly I have been hiding. I have become unreliable. When you can’t bear to hear more kind advice you just retreat into yourself. There is part of us that does not want to disappoint  others again and again. We understand their concerns truly we do. We just have no mental energy. The feeling of running away is a constant. If no one knows you then you can’t disappoint.
I don’t think that mourners like where they find themselves. It is something that has to be allowed to run through us so it will leave us washed and renewed. That is the hope anyway.

Walking around our yard I can feel the conversations we have had walking on the same grass. There are chairs in twos placed for different view of the reflecting pools and trees but I just look at them and remember. The other day as I was walking about I realized that not only was the property too large for me to care for but that it was too large for me to enjoy. Does that even make sense?

Perhaps I feel this way because I was gone for five years and have only recently returned. If you never leave your family home do you feel as I do? Or do you just continue on as before. I think you probably do. I have been living in others homes for five years. Now I’m here and i feel the same.

In two months it will be three years that I have been a member of the widow’s club. My hope and dream is that by the time I am a member for five years that I will be in my own personal home. Creating new memories of my own.
We are so alone
We fall back our body deflated lies on the floor
We can not breath no more

Our Quilt remains ————————

tamaya garner august 9 2015