A Complex Creature

Photo on 2018-05-10 at 7.23 AM #2

I wake and for some moments
possibilities of the day
speed through my mind
unravelling my body from pillows and duvet
proves to be more than an easy task
how did everything get so twisted about
I can see impressions embedded in the pillows

If we could only scan each impression
retrieving thoughts or dreams left behind
would that be good or not

With some bits of fancy legwork
I managed to free my body from the octopus bed
a small jump and I raise my arms
as if I had just completed a gymnastic routine
I can hear the crowds cheering me on
for a quick moment, I bask in my achievement and victory

Spinning back into reality
I follow the path of most mornings
I unscrew the espresso pot
pour water in one part
two scoops of coffee with a dash of freshly ground pepper
into part two
tighten part three
then turn the burner on

I walk back towards the bed
hand picks up the iPhone
I raise the phone and take a picture of the bed
same angle every morning
a project in process

The artist is a complex creature
eyes are like a camera
framing  and taking stills of nearly everything I see
being so aware can be exhausting

what if the artist is just a complex fleshy computer
our eyes connected to the clouds
allowing others to access everything we see and feel
being directed by more than one
could this be why?
when I look at my door
I see it in three  black and white stills
then I can visualize them framed and on a wall

skipping over to a short poem

then again a short film with feet walking
on a wooden floor towards that same door
watching it open
a shadow walks through it
The End  

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Is it just me
or, are there others
punching keys
giving me directions

Am I an artist
or just a
complex fleshy computer

Sitting here looking out the window and open door
hearing the birds trying to speak
above the sounds of commuter cars
my left ear has caught the sound of the refrigerator
it seems to sing like a voice in a tunnel
than abruptly is stops

The light in the room changes
as the clouds cover the morning sun
I take a breath of relief
for it’s the grey clouds that I seek
they calm my soul
like a memory embedded in my DNA
travelling clouds and crashing waves soothes me
listening to the rain
feels like home

🙂

All of this with only one cup of coffee and only 9am.

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It’s been 33 months

Photo on 2014-10-25 at 11.51
This morning I was about to write a mind though, or mind blerp of ‘ what is the difference between grieving, depression or plain laziness’
This is something that I often wonder. Am I a natural born lazy person? There are so many days that I feel it might be the thing, then I roll over and go to sleep. I do know all the lines of grieving, take small steps, one thing at a time, concur it then go on, think of the future, be with friends, get rid of all their things that have memories on and on and on.

Many of you may have heard all these lines from very meaningful people.

Still the feet remain cemented to the floor.

The breaths become shorter, the eyes get so heavy and no matter how hard you make yourself do these things there seems to be no change.
The loss of a loved one could easily become a great excuse to just not do things.
Do the dishes really need to be washed?
Does one really have to change clothes ever day?
Surly peanut butter sandwiches have all the vitamins a person needs. Salads take so much energy to chew.
Is there really a set number of times that a person can watch the same movie?
All of you may be feeling this from time to time, hell I still loop this schedule at times, well possibly more then not.
There is one things that remains my life line and this may certainly be different for all but for me it expression through words, photography, painting and sculpture. For what ever reason when these creative thoughts fall into my mind I act on them. Whether they are selfies and more selfies! whether they are stories, blogs poems or drawings anything! if anyone of these things captures you then run with it. Do it till you have exhausted yourself. Till you fall to the floor and sleep with paint on your body! Yes the dishes will pile up but how many can you eat from at one time. Wearing the same thing is just good economy, you are saving water for heaven sake! This is the only reason I think that I may not be lazy. Is it?
Then there is the phone, that black thing that sits on the ledge with it annoying red blinking light. I feel that speaking sucks my energy what about you? The sun oh that annoying thing that brightens everything around you, so intense it hurts your eyes. I prefer the rain myself, always have even as a child. I could always breath better in the rain. Perhaps that is why I love to lie in a tub with only my nose above the water.

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At the moment there are so many birds outside the window that I feel there must be a feathered conference on this property. I just saw a brown bird with the brightest red beak! There are robins flying in and out of the garden with such consistency. My friend has the most amazing flower garden. I have discovered house sitting, it’s an interesting way to take a break from your own life. Its also a good way to try things like having pets. There is nothing like looking after someones pet to make you realize that it takes far too much energy for the long haul.
Well I don’t know if I have helped any of you reading this today or if I have given you reason to go back to bed ehehhe but if you can have contact with someone even if it’s this big strange world of the internet then I think we will all be ok for another day.
Myself I’m 33 months into it. We were together for 32 years when he died so I will cut myself some slack and try and give myself the time I need to be able to breath without him.
If I can offer any kind of advice at all I would ask you to have a journal for everyone can write words even if you don’t have any talent. Its important to document what you are going through because in the end we have to feel that we are important enough to write about. Even if we do it ourselves. I wish you all a day of breathing and writing even two lines. I do welcome comments remember.
Photo on 2014-10-25 at 11.37

Photo on 2014-10-25 at 11.41