Why Can’t i Make ONE Decision

Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.17 AM #2


When I was looking after B, I made decisions ever day every hour.
Or What?
I am not able to see into next week let alone the rest of my life.
My property should have been listed and yet here I am
I am doing something all the time and yet
I hardly see progress
Something that I used to do instantly has now become this slow ,,,,,,thought,,,,process,,,
I’m in bed by seven pm and by four pm then by ten round about i am asleep
Dreaming has become a collection of strange events.
I dreamt that I was driving this huge White pickup truck,, then either the sides of the road grew to three feet or I drove into an ally that came to a V,,,, here I was stopped,,,,, could go no further,,,,,when I hear a sound that was very loud!! so loud I thought it was a bomb or a tire exploding,,,,I woke,,,,
I dreamt that urgent repairs had to be made on my house,,,,,i was in the living room but it looked like a first floor basement or it was the living room turned into the basement,,,, the walls were stone or stock type whitish,,,,,there were two strange men there,,,,, trying to give me an estimate I suppose,,,,, the furnace was there,,,, there were half walls,,,, the strange men were shaking their heads,,,, [my neck is tight,, has been for three days now,,} the men kept saying could be fixed but will cost,,, everything was will cost will cost will cost will cost will cost,,,an old friend that used to live in the area appeared in the room,,,he looked at one deteriorating wall and said if we move this over we could use the same drywall??????
These are my nights when I should be resting.
My neck feels like someone is grabbing me from the back and will not let go

Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.48 AM

People try and help but they only put the fear of god in me
They project their fears on me with such intensity that I question my own mind
Do I do this to them?
Do I push my opinions?
Is this a way of getting back at me?
Do they really want to help or do they envied me my freedom?
Do I have freedom?
I hope I don’t continue like this
It will kill me if it does
That would not be such a bad thing.
Photo on 2016-07-17 at 9.48 AM #3

New Land, New Memories?

I had thought that coming to Newfoundland would somehow transform me. Like my right of passage. “You have grieved long enough now go forth and live, breath as others”

Does not work that way,,, apparently. I am speaking to B more now then ever.

Look Love, check this out!

Ahhh isn’t that wonderful?

I hear youuuuu.


Yes finally. The sweet guy at the hardware store only had a hand saw, Yes a friggin hand saw!!!!!!! so I asked ever so sweetly I will pay you more can you cut the 4×8 sheet into four pieces so I can at least fit it in my rental car?

So Sweet!!!!!! Not so very straight but what the hell I can cut it when I get home. Here in lies the dilemma? Do I paint two on each section? Well hell you would think so. But am I? no not at all I have 2 x 4 and I am using 2×4.

I miss talking about my excitement with him. I know al the stuff everyone says but I really don’t care!

It has only been two years and in so many ways the reality is sinking in now. So wait for it!! you think your doing fine your so used to working and living alone. NOpe it does not work that way. There is another blogger that really seemed to be dealing with things in such a mature manner. Man I was impressed and yet felt what is going to happen when they wake up and have this shock of being alone? I personally do not wish this on anyone. I understand from all the grieving  sites and books that we all have to go through it completely before we are over it or at least to the point where we can comfortably put one foot in front of the other and hopefully there is a destination.

I want to move here! I want support and encouragement but I know it will not happen and thus the wind will be stolen from my sails and I will be back where I started.

I can’t argue with people. I rely on my gut instinct and my heart they say what will you do you know no one there.

There is a 3500sq ft church for sale for 55,000.00 asking.  not far from the airport. It could be my place and an artist residency. I could advertise for artists to come stay a month at a time. all year long.

If I do this I can at least go to my ashes and afterlife knowing that I did something for me and because I wanted to. Is that so bad?

To conclude: Its hard making decisions just based on me. No children, no husband, just me. I’m going to be 60 next tuesday. How much more time do I have to do one thing I want?IMG_9155 IMG_9021 IMG_9152 IMG_9168 IMG_9201 IMG_9145 DSC_0081 IMG_8943 IMG_8985 IMG_8833 IMG_8820 DSC_0041 IMG_8746 IMG_8740 IMG_8729