“She became someone more like herself”
This is not my line, but a line from a movie. A movie of love. It is making me think. To think more deeply about my life. B created a safe haven for me to explore. He lived his life to the very edge of every cliff. He did not hold back, not in his expressions of his art or the explorations of love.
I do miss the feeling of him covering my entire back with his body. To feel so loved and desired. Being so desired can make us feel like the very blood that gives life is being drained from us. When we love with our entirety, the idea of holding some for ourselves is the furthest from our mind for it’s our heart that controls us.
I did this, freely, willingly and blindly. Blindly for I had never been loved back like this. I must admit that I was addicted to him. I can still smell his very sweet skin. Our flesh had the same sweet fragrance, one that I no longer have. I only smell of whatever lotion I have on, but my skin, my freshly washed skin no longer has a fragrant identity.
I find it hard to even remember how long ago it was that he crossed over. There are days that I feel, “why are you taking so long to get over him!” Then I count on my fingers, month by month over and over yet the months don’t add up to what I feel and I feel very confused.
It feels so very long since I have looked into his eyes. I could always read his eyes. The unforgiving illness stole his voice but his eye, oh his eyes always new what to say to me. We had spent so much time looking at each other that words were no longer a necessity.
Still……… I do miss that voice. He sang opera to me and wrote me poetry. I was his muse.
Being his model was like getting high on the best grass. To have a lover as an artist and look at your every curve, the tones of your skin is so very erotic. With him I became comfortable showing my body. It was upon his recommendation that I swim without a top on. This took me a while to warm up to but once I did!! Well as B would say, It took me forever to get her to take her top off, now I can’t stop her” 🙂 He did try and teach me not to be so afraid and with him I was not. I am not proud of the fact that I have fallen back on this since he died. Hopefully it to will come back.
B was an intellectual and a great teacher. He welcomed discussion. B never made me feel inferior for youth.
I end this today with the final line of the same movie:
“You cannot walk away from Love’
Original Sin with Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas