Days When You Wonder If Your Sane

Possibly too much time spent alone can get you drifting into strange areas. If your an artist well then you may be accustom.

Its the aloneness of yourself.

You can’t spend time with people all the time especially if your not that attracted to company. Its that single person’s company that you miss. The one person that got you. The person with whom you did not have to explain things and that person who understood being alone.
Some people try and help but I don’t think anyone can help us at this point. I still feel that I have to walk this path for a reason. That there is something I might have to learn about myself in order to more forward. God is it this hard for others?  I know I will never want another relationship for this one has taken so much out of me. To have been woven together for so long. Our veins pumping the same blood to the same organs keeping us alive. Then one day each one has been severed leaving you to bleed out. Perhaps all this time is a process of cauterizing each and every vein so we can continue to live.

Lately I have been attempting to get our place up for sale. That is a job I tell you.

Things keep going wrong. I will not let myself get frustrated and angry because I just haven’t got it in me anymore. My emotions are tired. I have taken to writing dialogue as if I were speaking to B. Truthfully its kind of nice writing them. You may want to try it for fun and if it works, keep doing it. I have also included some fun photo essays I am working on to shake my brain up a bit.

THE difference in dealing with  things when your alone is that there is no one to say,
Hell I don’t know .What do you think?
Did you try the things ma jig?
Ya//
What about that?…
Ya…
Was there any pressure?
No..
Was the pump running long?
Don’t Know.
Did you get to make the coffee?
No.
Dam!
When can you call the plumber?
I was going to wait till 8am.
Call the Fu… now!
Na you have to be nice. the kid was very nice.
Ya but yo still don’t have water>
I know but hay its 8 I’ll try now.
Ok let me know.So what did the plumber say?

Well I thought I would be getting his answering machine, instead he answered but he was at his cottage.
Well thats good did he come over?
No.. you can’t as someone to come home from the cottage to fix your tank!
Well why not?
Because I just would not feel right about it. He did tell me to prime it again and to check if there was a leak anywhere or if the well went dry.
That’s a stupid thing to as a client to do. I would never leave someone hanging with no water on the long weekend.
Well artists are more concerned with others then the trades.
So did you prime the pump?
No. I did lift the concrete lid and confirmed that the well was full nearly to the top.
So what are you doing?
I first wanted to retreat like a frightened fox but then I decided that the city was not a place I wanted to spend the weekend. I could not pounce on my friends again so I decided F”Kit I will go back to the cottage mode that ai was in before I had water.
I don’t want to constantly bore people with all this drama.
Well its not as if your creating the drama!
I know but everyone has their own drama to deal with.
So??? what you doing?
Well I did kind of melt back into bed like I was clued down from head to toe. A good part of the glue seeping its way into my brain allowing me to watch the little dvd screen with open deer kind of eyes with no brain activity.
I don’t know how you can do that. It would drive me crazy. I would have to be doing something.
Ya well that’s you. I looked at everything I have been wanting to do.
I pulled wet weeds from three reflecting pools causing my ass cheeks to ache. Without water. I trying to organize the kitchen a bit with boiled water and took it as far as I could. I don’t want to start painting the container for it would require good real water to wash afterwards. I can’t start my waxes for the dust in the studio is too much without running water to wash things and myself., Suffice to say. I will watch dvd’s and eat oranges.
No wonder you don’t get anywhere! You just don’t have what it takes to be a successful artist.
Well to hell with you.
Right back at you.
Talk to you tomorrow?
Ya sure.

OR I COULD JUST BE LOOSING IT HEHEHEH

As Long as We Continue To Wake Up In The Morning …..We Are Doing Just Fine.

A Small Thing To Be Reminded Of “LISTEN’

september 29 2015

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LISTEN
My naked heels rub against the leather chair
creating sounds of fire cracker sparks
Treble note created by my fork hitting the ceramic plate
ears fill with the sound of my mouth filling with coffee
then, as if a trap door suddenly opens
I can hear and see in my minds eye a wave traveling down my throat
as I swallow
the trap door closes triggering my ears to muffle the sound
If I listen
I can hear my clothing move against my skin
can you?

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Sitting quietly I can hear my heart beating
I can feel its sound wave travel in my body
stopping only when it contacts an organ
If I close my eyes
I can see my heart in my chest
beating beating beating
With the slightest move
I hear tiny bones clicking in my ankle

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With a deep breath
I hear the exhale…..
carrying the beat of my heart with it
like water running down the steps
Close your eyes
rest your head back
now breath…..

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see…feel…hear
the universe that is you and only you
We are each wonderful miracles of the universe
appreciate it
contribute thoughts
contribute sounds
contribute words
contribute images
from inside and outside of you mind
Leave anger; resentment; discontent; jealousy and prejudice at the door
for there is no room of these in my life
My door is open
I hear the wind chatting with the trees
birds with their wings extended are flying on the breeze
like a magic carpet giggling
my eyes have rested
have yours?

It’s been 33 months

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This morning I was about to write a mind though, or mind blerp of ‘ what is the difference between grieving, depression or plain laziness’
This is something that I often wonder. Am I a natural born lazy person? There are so many days that I feel it might be the thing, then I roll over and go to sleep. I do know all the lines of grieving, take small steps, one thing at a time, concur it then go on, think of the future, be with friends, get rid of all their things that have memories on and on and on.

Many of you may have heard all these lines from very meaningful people.

Still the feet remain cemented to the floor.

The breaths become shorter, the eyes get so heavy and no matter how hard you make yourself do these things there seems to be no change.
The loss of a loved one could easily become a great excuse to just not do things.
Do the dishes really need to be washed?
Does one really have to change clothes ever day?
Surly peanut butter sandwiches have all the vitamins a person needs. Salads take so much energy to chew.
Is there really a set number of times that a person can watch the same movie?
All of you may be feeling this from time to time, hell I still loop this schedule at times, well possibly more then not.
There is one things that remains my life line and this may certainly be different for all but for me it expression through words, photography, painting and sculpture. For what ever reason when these creative thoughts fall into my mind I act on them. Whether they are selfies and more selfies! whether they are stories, blogs poems or drawings anything! if anyone of these things captures you then run with it. Do it till you have exhausted yourself. Till you fall to the floor and sleep with paint on your body! Yes the dishes will pile up but how many can you eat from at one time. Wearing the same thing is just good economy, you are saving water for heaven sake! This is the only reason I think that I may not be lazy. Is it?
Then there is the phone, that black thing that sits on the ledge with it annoying red blinking light. I feel that speaking sucks my energy what about you? The sun oh that annoying thing that brightens everything around you, so intense it hurts your eyes. I prefer the rain myself, always have even as a child. I could always breath better in the rain. Perhaps that is why I love to lie in a tub with only my nose above the water.

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At the moment there are so many birds outside the window that I feel there must be a feathered conference on this property. I just saw a brown bird with the brightest red beak! There are robins flying in and out of the garden with such consistency. My friend has the most amazing flower garden. I have discovered house sitting, it’s an interesting way to take a break from your own life. Its also a good way to try things like having pets. There is nothing like looking after someones pet to make you realize that it takes far too much energy for the long haul.
Well I don’t know if I have helped any of you reading this today or if I have given you reason to go back to bed ehehhe but if you can have contact with someone even if it’s this big strange world of the internet then I think we will all be ok for another day.
Myself I’m 33 months into it. We were together for 32 years when he died so I will cut myself some slack and try and give myself the time I need to be able to breath without him.
If I can offer any kind of advice at all I would ask you to have a journal for everyone can write words even if you don’t have any talent. Its important to document what you are going through because in the end we have to feel that we are important enough to write about. Even if we do it ourselves. I wish you all a day of breathing and writing even two lines. I do welcome comments remember.
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Photo on 2014-10-25 at 11.41

Another Day in The Bubble

Cooking is an emotional and sensual act. To be inspired to create a thing of beauty. Walking in the open field to get refreshed then bringing some of it back to enhance the table.

This is all gone……………

I have boxes of white plates and blown black glass goblets. I was a bohemian kind of martha stewart. The enjoyment I attained from preparing the entire house for lunching visitors. We always had lunches for dinners went late and living in the country, we did not want to impose a long drive home in the dark. This meant that from every window we would have outdoor sculptures displayed. Paintings would get moved about with new works on display.

Our dining table was created from a massive 3″ thick by 5 feet by 6 feet cherrywood. It was balanced on a pedestal base created with 100 year old wood planed from the original house. Our chairs were from cbc canada office chairs that I painted eggplant purple. The were so comfortable. You could spin right around, so our guests were never inspired to leave the table.

We so enjoyed our meals. Preparing just for the two of us in often the same manner.

Eighteen months and I have no set time for eating. I open the fridge door and grab a piece of cheese or eat far too much bread. The pride and focus and inspiration seems to be all gone. I have no desire to have anyone here.

I have been alone in this house for two years and have had a dinner guest three times.

The only thing that runs through my mind is I don’t want. I don’t want. I don’t want.

Easter is lurking waiting to pounce! I have accepted two invitations out of duty. I am now trying to think of a reason to remove myself from each invite. The energy that it will take to put the smile on and pretend to be interested and happy is already exhausting me. I am exhausting me!

This morning I let an egg just fall to the pan. The heat too hot so it bubbled. Not a pretty looking thing at all.

But I ate it.

I did not make it with beauty and love. It did not look like beauty and love, so in turn I will most certainly not receive beauty and love from its nutrients.

Often we have a shadow that follows us to keep the line to reality taunt. My shadow is fading and I have no desire to keep the line taunt. Instead it lies on the ground looking like a lifeless snake with no shadow in sight.

There is snow on the ground with the sun shining on it. The heat is creating water rivers on surfaces.

I can feel and hear my heart beating in my body. Pale orange is the canvas I see when I close my eyes as I sit here in the back room  looking out the glass doors. A plane makes its flight over me heading north.  I have all the elements around me to feel content, peaceful, happy, inspired. Yet none of these elements touch my skin. They are like translucent bubbles of effusions floating around me. There is no gravitational pull, instead it seems like two magnets each possess a force so great  they resist each other.

I suppose that we must continue breathing and getting out of bed each day. Even if the eggs get broken and the yokes spill. We have to trust that this path has a destination, even if its just to get to the end.

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