Today I feel beaten
I feel heavy in my thoughts
today I feel sadness
coloured glass that was my salvation
all those days and nights in the city basement apt
their colour and brightness offered hope
the sliver of light from the crypt
only reminds me of despair
I may have to repack them till I feel differently
It has been 8 years and 77 days from that white blizzard night
the night he fell and our world changed forever
People mean well and friends want what is best for me
but please don’t tell me that I will find love
these words do not give me hope it does the opposite
I can not survive another love
perfect was not what we were after
perfect is a story book tale
that is destined to fail
we laughed and said we had compatible neurosis
days like this we would lie next to each other
we would feel safe in our love
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Its been a while since I wrote. I really should have written last week for I was pretty happy then. Some happiness still lingers and I do try to hold on to it’s tail with a good grip.
Another move is upon me. With each one I believe it gets better and more toward where I am meant to be. This answer I do not know, incase you were waiting for one.
I have had a great invite to live in the country with a studio one hundred paces away. Not unlike my own home at the other end of the city, but that is not where I am going. I was and still am very happy with the thought that I will have my own larger space and my own kitchen and a place to paint more freely. The sun shines in that kitchen first thing in the morning! My fantasy is to look for thick blue wine glasses. I also thought I would save the left over blue bathroom tiles from our bathroom [B and my] and then when I find a suitable kitchen rectangular table I would glue the blue tiles to it! This way I will always start my days with memories of B and our breakfast times.
With every good thing there must come one that will grind at our hearts. I try to think and be positive, for I can hear the ‘ohhhhhhh nooooooooss’ from my friends silent thoughts. My real home will be vacated, this news was not delivered without warning, I knew that things were becoming more and more difficult for my tenants. This time with great effort on my part I was determined to be positive. Mostly because being sad and negative has just made me deeply and very despondent for days. I just can’t let myself do that anymore, it hurts too much!
I am looking at this as just having one more door open. I will sort out all of B’s things in the calm summer sun. I will have this as an opportunity to properly say good bye to my home, and my life that I had there. I do believe that it is meant to be. Being able to have it as my cottage for a while will be good for me and the family. I plan on letting them all know of its availability and that this summer will be the time to go stay there and have a proper good bye to their dad and granddad. You see how I am consciously deciding to look at the positive and not fall down the black hole of negative.
So that is that!
I am also currently preparing for a huge 80 piece art show. That is quite an undertaking. I know my body is reacting to the stress from it by pinching my neck or sharp pains in my back and sides. I just make sure that sleep is the thing that I do not restrict myself of. I know! Hehehe have I ever!
So my friends out there know that if you are in the beginnings of your grieving to not be so hard on yourself. Be as your body tells you to be. Follow your gut instinct. I know its hard and very frightening for we humans have not practiced this but it does get better and a life will emerge. Just enjoy the journey. Yes I did say enjoy, for even grief is a good thing. Grief just means your very sad for your loss and why should you not be. Everyone grieves differently. I think because I’m an artist that I am trained to dive into such emotions and pull out images or words. It only makes sense that my grieving will be a bit darker then normal I think anyway. Have yourself a day of happiness or sadness or sleep.
Its all good.