Possibly too much time spent alone can get you drifting into strange areas. If your an artist well then you may be accustom.
Its the aloneness of yourself.
You can’t spend time with people all the time especially if your not that attracted to company. Its that single person’s company that you miss. The one person that got you. The person with whom you did not have to explain things and that person who understood being alone.
Some people try and help but I don’t think anyone can help us at this point. I still feel that I have to walk this path for a reason. That there is something I might have to learn about myself in order to more forward. God is it this hard for others? I know I will never want another relationship for this one has taken so much out of me. To have been woven together for so long. Our veins pumping the same blood to the same organs keeping us alive. Then one day each one has been severed leaving you to bleed out. Perhaps all this time is a process of cauterizing each and every vein so we can continue to live.
Lately I have been attempting to get our place up for sale. That is a job I tell you.
Things keep going wrong. I will not let myself get frustrated and angry because I just haven’t got it in me anymore. My emotions are tired. I have taken to writing dialogue as if I were speaking to B. Truthfully its kind of nice writing them. You may want to try it for fun and if it works, keep doing it. I have also included some fun photo essays I am working on to shake my brain up a bit.
THE difference in dealing with things when your alone is that there is no one to say,
Hell I don’t know .What do you think?
Did you try the things ma jig?
What about that?…
Was there any pressure?
Was the pump running long?
Did you get to make the coffee?
When can you call the plumber?
I was going to wait till 8am.
Call the Fu… now!
Na you have to be nice. the kid was very nice.
Ya but yo still don’t have water>
I know but hay its 8 I’ll try now.
Ok let me know.So what did the plumber say?
Well I thought I would be getting his answering machine, instead he answered but he was at his cottage.
Well thats good did he come over?
No.. you can’t as someone to come home from the cottage to fix your tank!
Well why not?
Because I just would not feel right about it. He did tell me to prime it again and to check if there was a leak anywhere or if the well went dry.
That’s a stupid thing to as a client to do. I would never leave someone hanging with no water on the long weekend.
Well artists are more concerned with others then the trades.
So did you prime the pump?
No. I did lift the concrete lid and confirmed that the well was full nearly to the top.
So what are you doing?
I first wanted to retreat like a frightened fox but then I decided that the city was not a place I wanted to spend the weekend. I could not pounce on my friends again so I decided F”Kit I will go back to the cottage mode that ai was in before I had water.
I don’t want to constantly bore people with all this drama.
Well its not as if your creating the drama!
I know but everyone has their own drama to deal with.
So??? what you doing?
Well I did kind of melt back into bed like I was clued down from head to toe. A good part of the glue seeping its way into my brain allowing me to watch the little dvd screen with open deer kind of eyes with no brain activity.
I don’t know how you can do that. It would drive me crazy. I would have to be doing something.
Ya well that’s you. I looked at everything I have been wanting to do.
I pulled wet weeds from three reflecting pools causing my ass cheeks to ache. Without water. I trying to organize the kitchen a bit with boiled water and took it as far as I could. I don’t want to start painting the container for it would require good real water to wash afterwards. I can’t start my waxes for the dust in the studio is too much without running water to wash things and myself., Suffice to say. I will watch dvd’s and eat oranges.
No wonder you don’t get anywhere! You just don’t have what it takes to be a successful artist.
Well to hell with you.
Right back at you.
Talk to you tomorrow?
OR I COULD JUST BE LOOSING IT HEHEHEH
As Long as We Continue To Wake Up In The Morning …..We Are Doing Just Fine.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Its been a while since I wrote. I really should have written last week for I was pretty happy then. Some happiness still lingers and I do try to hold on to it’s tail with a good grip.
Another move is upon me. With each one I believe it gets better and more toward where I am meant to be. This answer I do not know, incase you were waiting for one.
I have had a great invite to live in the country with a studio one hundred paces away. Not unlike my own home at the other end of the city, but that is not where I am going. I was and still am very happy with the thought that I will have my own larger space and my own kitchen and a place to paint more freely. The sun shines in that kitchen first thing in the morning! My fantasy is to look for thick blue wine glasses. I also thought I would save the left over blue bathroom tiles from our bathroom [B and my] and then when I find a suitable kitchen rectangular table I would glue the blue tiles to it! This way I will always start my days with memories of B and our breakfast times.
With every good thing there must come one that will grind at our hearts. I try to think and be positive, for I can hear the ‘ohhhhhhh nooooooooss’ from my friends silent thoughts. My real home will be vacated, this news was not delivered without warning, I knew that things were becoming more and more difficult for my tenants. This time with great effort on my part I was determined to be positive. Mostly because being sad and negative has just made me deeply and very despondent for days. I just can’t let myself do that anymore, it hurts too much!
I am looking at this as just having one more door open. I will sort out all of B’s things in the calm summer sun. I will have this as an opportunity to properly say good bye to my home, and my life that I had there. I do believe that it is meant to be. Being able to have it as my cottage for a while will be good for me and the family. I plan on letting them all know of its availability and that this summer will be the time to go stay there and have a proper good bye to their dad and granddad. You see how I am consciously deciding to look at the positive and not fall down the black hole of negative.
So that is that!
I am also currently preparing for a huge 80 piece art show. That is quite an undertaking. I know my body is reacting to the stress from it by pinching my neck or sharp pains in my back and sides. I just make sure that sleep is the thing that I do not restrict myself of. I know! Hehehe have I ever!
So my friends out there know that if you are in the beginnings of your grieving to not be so hard on yourself. Be as your body tells you to be. Follow your gut instinct. I know its hard and very frightening for we humans have not practiced this but it does get better and a life will emerge. Just enjoy the journey. Yes I did say enjoy, for even grief is a good thing. Grief just means your very sad for your loss and why should you not be. Everyone grieves differently. I think because I’m an artist that I am trained to dive into such emotions and pull out images or words. It only makes sense that my grieving will be a bit darker then normal I think anyway. Have yourself a day of happiness or sadness or sleep.
Its all good.
Memories, what are these things?
How do they work?
Are they the same for everyone?
I think that the act of the memory may be the same but if it’s activated differently then it would only make sense that remembering would be different for everyone.
I am an artist, as I have mentioned before. My particular obversion is detailed. The angle that a cup sits on a table. The way B’s hand nearly covered his glass when he held it. I can still see him sitting in his chair, one leg extremely extended out the other bent at the knee and foot slightly under his chair. One arm stretches across the cherrywood table while the other was bent back of the chair. B did not sit in a chair he possessed it.
I remember how it felt when I held him so tight in bed. I wanted to melt through his skin so I could be closer. So because of details, my mind is filled and the memories devour me. B had the most beautiful ears, and the curve of his chin and how his beard felt to the touch. His lips would almost melt when he kissed with love.
For myself, I don’t think anniversary days make that much of a difference but seeing his monumental sculptures does. We got together when he painted the 40′ mural in a hospital. Marble sculptures were our trip to Yugoslavia etc.
My trip to Newfoundland was about creating new memories. Also trying to envision a continued life on my own. I’ll have to wait to see how that works out. The ocean became my lover, my confidant. Is that why I want to go back?
The pressures of letting go are always with me. I often pretend that I am further healed then I am. It just makes things easier, no explaining, no making excuses for sleeping long hours. I just feel that it takes time to let some memories fly off. Being together every day and working together for 32 years is going to take time.
This summer I will be starting to sort out our studio. Everything that my fingers touch will be loaded with memories. Mine and his. I don’t look forward to this summer. It will take me apart, but I know I have to do it. Possibly it will not be so difficult. Someone may offer to buy and that will give me the excitement needed.
If only memories left prints, then at least we could be warned of what to pick up and what to leave alone. I go till my stomach hurts or I feel light headed then I stop because what I don’t want to do is get rid of something because I’m tired.
Then again………why do i even.
Why is it wrong to not want a life without him.
As I try and pack I am now thinking that I quite possibly have purchased THINGS just to fill the HOLES that seemed to develop. These things have really not made much of an impact on plugging the holes at all. I still had all those dark days, and more holes were created. They are like the infinite black hole of the universe. When your in one you see no end, no way back. Your just IN THE BLACKNESS.
I think I’m making a bit of headway then I walk into the office and realize I have barely made a mark there. Then my head thicken and my ears ring and all I want to do is go to bed. Bed is where I hide.
This blog is also where I run to. It gives me this imaginary importance of doing something of purpose when in fact I really don’t know if it helps. Well I have rented a truck so I do have to find motivation. I am including some sketches that expresses my feelings much more then words seems to these days