when the morning came she was still here
the clothes on the floor
the cup empty with morning coffee grinds
photo of him can be seen across the room
reflected colours off the indigo tiled table
his photo of their first married day
wedged in the corner of the mirror
large glass of water next to diovol, hand lotion
pencils, books, journals of all sorts
dvd player with stacks opened and closed
her bag, always packed she never seems to unpack
the grey clouds gathering
entices her to get up from under
the feathers that surround her
nearing like distant stomping hoofs
sound and sight run hand in hand across the field
birds start fussing
first a low hum
then louder as the excitement expands
she is standing at the doorway
nose and hand pressed against the grey screen
nature and human are converging
a meeting of matters
she closes her eyes so she can better listen to the sounds
drops start to mark their path across the deck
she slowly pushes the door open in a sort of seductive manner, welcoming the rain like a lover being invited to one’s bed lightly tapping the sheets
occasionally the sound of the hot rubber sliding over wet pavement makes its way up top
by then the rain is transforming all surfaces
dancing vigorously with all available forms
there is such joy that is created from this simple act
the day the rain came
like foreplay it teases and entices you
moving shapes and sounds in circles till all is one and the dizziness takes over
rain on your face not unlike sweat on your skin
the birds know it and they welcome it with no reservations
then as quickly as it came it leaves
rain is like a love that is great in small doses
for if it stays it will destroy by flooding you with too much love and drown you
floating till your body lies softly on the ocean floor
love is an entity all of its own
love is a spirit that feeds on freedom
to have loved and been loved back
is one of the wonders of life
to have loved once fills you
to love twice could kill you
so she sits and redirects her love to other things
to the sounds of birds chatting
to the sounds of approaching rain
to the sound of the typewriter keys hitting
to all that she creates
this is what she will love now
for this will see her to the end
This morning I was about to write a mind though, or mind blerp of ‘ what is the difference between grieving, depression or plain laziness’
This is something that I often wonder. Am I a natural born lazy person? There are so many days that I feel it might be the thing, then I roll over and go to sleep. I do know all the lines of grieving, take small steps, one thing at a time, concur it then go on, think of the future, be with friends, get rid of all their things that have memories on and on and on.
Many of you may have heard all these lines from very meaningful people.
Still the feet remain cemented to the floor.
The breaths become shorter, the eyes get so heavy and no matter how hard you make yourself do these things there seems to be no change.
The loss of a loved one could easily become a great excuse to just not do things.
Do the dishes really need to be washed?
Does one really have to change clothes ever day?
Surly peanut butter sandwiches have all the vitamins a person needs. Salads take so much energy to chew.
Is there really a set number of times that a person can watch the same movie?
All of you may be feeling this from time to time, hell I still loop this schedule at times, well possibly more then not.
There is one things that remains my life line and this may certainly be different for all but for me it expression through words, photography, painting and sculpture. For what ever reason when these creative thoughts fall into my mind I act on them. Whether they are selfies and more selfies! whether they are stories, blogs poems or drawings anything! if anyone of these things captures you then run with it. Do it till you have exhausted yourself. Till you fall to the floor and sleep with paint on your body! Yes the dishes will pile up but how many can you eat from at one time. Wearing the same thing is just good economy, you are saving water for heaven sake! This is the only reason I think that I may not be lazy. Is it?
Then there is the phone, that black thing that sits on the ledge with it annoying red blinking light. I feel that speaking sucks my energy what about you? The sun oh that annoying thing that brightens everything around you, so intense it hurts your eyes. I prefer the rain myself, always have even as a child. I could always breath better in the rain. Perhaps that is why I love to lie in a tub with only my nose above the water.
At the moment there are so many birds outside the window that I feel there must be a feathered conference on this property. I just saw a brown bird with the brightest red beak! There are robins flying in and out of the garden with such consistency. My friend has the most amazing flower garden. I have discovered house sitting, it’s an interesting way to take a break from your own life. Its also a good way to try things like having pets. There is nothing like looking after someones pet to make you realize that it takes far too much energy for the long haul.
Well I don’t know if I have helped any of you reading this today or if I have given you reason to go back to bed ehehhe but if you can have contact with someone even if it’s this big strange world of the internet then I think we will all be ok for another day.
Myself I’m 33 months into it. We were together for 32 years when he died so I will cut myself some slack and try and give myself the time I need to be able to breath without him.
If I can offer any kind of advice at all I would ask you to have a journal for everyone can write words even if you don’t have any talent. Its important to document what you are going through because in the end we have to feel that we are important enough to write about. Even if we do it ourselves. I wish you all a day of breathing and writing even two lines. I do welcome comments remember.