Widowed Without A Manual

Some of us grieve longer then others. I will not be rushed out of my love, that still inhabits my heart.

Broken Sleep

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Photo on 2017-08-14 at 10.54 AM

 

 

 

 

 

Broken sleep————
my brain attempts —-to
continue at a normal pace
broken sleep

Sentences drift
half phrases — repeat
no coherent, trace
nothing but
blank
endless space

Photo on 2017-08-14 at 10.56 AM

Darkness surrounded by a moat
this is where I stay afloat
void of sight
void of sound
nothing touching
all around

Brocken sleep ——
starves my mind
can my soul go blind?
excuse me while I
flatline _____________________
august 14 2017

 

 

This gallery contains 3 photos

Saffron On The Line

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Photo on 2017-08-01 at 8.01 AM #2

saffron hangs with folds of gold
the morning sun draws white lines on each fold
I fear my sunflowers will show their faces while I am gone
droplets of moister hangs onto the tip of the heavy leaves
transparent and delicate yet I can sense its weight

for a moment the air that surrounds me 
fills with a fragrance 
of a flower bidding good morning to the sun
my eyes, drawn to only one
amongst a wave of deep purple
only one looks back at me
fluttering in the still air

then it comes
sensing the opportunity
that moment when the world knows you are distracted
when it knows you feel at ease and secure
then it comes
like a hawk flying over his terrain
waiting for that moment
the moment when it is least suspected
when you have mindlessly left the door to your heart open
when you have let your guard down
it walks in and fucks with you
smiles, camouflage the dagger
I repeat myself
I repeat my self
I repeat myself
out of disappointment in myself
anger points only to me, 
for only I am to blame
weeks have passed where I have felt secure
feeling that I may be able to live
some kind of life
the universe knows when there is a soft spot
evil and good fly side by side
there is no real dissimilarity

what road must I walk next
must my entire life be the endless turning of pages
from a large book of lessons
perhaps, my moments of feeling secure
my naked feet on the warm earth
is the wrong path
perhaps I am not to get comfortable
I am not to be here
could that be the next lesson

I am so conditioned to please
so conditioned it that I feel I need to throw up
why is an open, extended hand perceived as weakness
perhaps it’s the old saying
survival of the fittest
there are no solutions
no crystal ball
just grin and bear it till the end

my saffron hangs on the line
all tangled unable to move back or forth
the symbolism is uncanny

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Days When You Wonder If Your Sane

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Possibly too much time spent alone can get you drifting into strange areas. If your an artist well then you may be accustom.

Its the aloneness of yourself.

You can’t spend time with people all the time especially if your not that attracted to company. Its that single person’s company that you miss. The one person that got you. The person with whom you did not have to explain things and that person who understood being alone.
Some people try and help but I don’t think anyone can help us at this point. I still feel that I have to walk this path for a reason. That there is something I might have to learn about myself in order to more forward. God is it this hard for others?  I know I will never want another relationship for this one has taken so much out of me. To have been woven together for so long. Our veins pumping the same blood to the same organs keeping us alive. Then one day each one has been severed leaving you to bleed out. Perhaps all this time is a process of cauterizing each and every vein so we can continue to live.

Lately I have been attempting to get our place up for sale. That is a job I tell you.

Things keep going wrong. I will not let myself get frustrated and angry because I just haven’t got it in me anymore. My emotions are tired. I have taken to writing dialogue as if I were speaking to B. Truthfully its kind of nice writing them. You may want to try it for fun and if it works, keep doing it. I have also included some fun photo essays I am working on to shake my brain up a bit.

THE difference in dealing with  things when your alone is that there is no one to say,
Hell I don’t know .What do you think?
Did you try the things ma jig?
Ya//
What about that?…
Ya…
Was there any pressure?
No..
Was the pump running long?
Don’t Know.
Did you get to make the coffee?
No.
Dam!
When can you call the plumber?
I was going to wait till 8am.
Call the Fu… now!
Na you have to be nice. the kid was very nice.
Ya but yo still don’t have water>
I know but hay its 8 I’ll try now.
Ok let me know.So what did the plumber say?

Well I thought I would be getting his answering machine, instead he answered but he was at his cottage.
Well thats good did he come over?
No.. you can’t as someone to come home from the cottage to fix your tank!
Well why not?
Because I just would not feel right about it. He did tell me to prime it again and to check if there was a leak anywhere or if the well went dry.
That’s a stupid thing to as a client to do. I would never leave someone hanging with no water on the long weekend.
Well artists are more concerned with others then the trades.
So did you prime the pump?
No. I did lift the concrete lid and confirmed that the well was full nearly to the top.
So what are you doing?
I first wanted to retreat like a frightened fox but then I decided that the city was not a place I wanted to spend the weekend. I could not pounce on my friends again so I decided F”Kit I will go back to the cottage mode that ai was in before I had water.
I don’t want to constantly bore people with all this drama.
Well its not as if your creating the drama!
I know but everyone has their own drama to deal with.
So??? what you doing?
Well I did kind of melt back into bed like I was clued down from head to toe. A good part of the glue seeping its way into my brain allowing me to watch the little dvd screen with open deer kind of eyes with no brain activity.
I don’t know how you can do that. It would drive me crazy. I would have to be doing something.
Ya well that’s you. I looked at everything I have been wanting to do.
I pulled wet weeds from three reflecting pools causing my ass cheeks to ache. Without water. I trying to organize the kitchen a bit with boiled water and took it as far as I could. I don’t want to start painting the container for it would require good real water to wash afterwards. I can’t start my waxes for the dust in the studio is too much without running water to wash things and myself., Suffice to say. I will watch dvd’s and eat oranges.
No wonder you don’t get anywhere! You just don’t have what it takes to be a successful artist.
Well to hell with you.
Right back at you.
Talk to you tomorrow?
Ya sure.

OR I COULD JUST BE LOOSING IT HEHEHEH

As Long as We Continue To Wake Up In The Morning …..We Are Doing Just Fine.

This gallery contains 13 photos


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It’s been 33 months

Photo on 2014-10-25 at 11.51
This morning I was about to write a mind though, or mind blerp of ‘ what is the difference between grieving, depression or plain laziness’
This is something that I often wonder. Am I a natural born lazy person? There are so many days that I feel it might be the thing, then I roll over and go to sleep. I do know all the lines of grieving, take small steps, one thing at a time, concur it then go on, think of the future, be with friends, get rid of all their things that have memories on and on and on.

Many of you may have heard all these lines from very meaningful people.

Still the feet remain cemented to the floor.

The breaths become shorter, the eyes get so heavy and no matter how hard you make yourself do these things there seems to be no change.
The loss of a loved one could easily become a great excuse to just not do things.
Do the dishes really need to be washed?
Does one really have to change clothes ever day?
Surly peanut butter sandwiches have all the vitamins a person needs. Salads take so much energy to chew.
Is there really a set number of times that a person can watch the same movie?
All of you may be feeling this from time to time, hell I still loop this schedule at times, well possibly more then not.
There is one things that remains my life line and this may certainly be different for all but for me it expression through words, photography, painting and sculpture. For what ever reason when these creative thoughts fall into my mind I act on them. Whether they are selfies and more selfies! whether they are stories, blogs poems or drawings anything! if anyone of these things captures you then run with it. Do it till you have exhausted yourself. Till you fall to the floor and sleep with paint on your body! Yes the dishes will pile up but how many can you eat from at one time. Wearing the same thing is just good economy, you are saving water for heaven sake! This is the only reason I think that I may not be lazy. Is it?
Then there is the phone, that black thing that sits on the ledge with it annoying red blinking light. I feel that speaking sucks my energy what about you? The sun oh that annoying thing that brightens everything around you, so intense it hurts your eyes. I prefer the rain myself, always have even as a child. I could always breath better in the rain. Perhaps that is why I love to lie in a tub with only my nose above the water.

IMG_8985
At the moment there are so many birds outside the window that I feel there must be a feathered conference on this property. I just saw a brown bird with the brightest red beak! There are robins flying in and out of the garden with such consistency. My friend has the most amazing flower garden. I have discovered house sitting, it’s an interesting way to take a break from your own life. Its also a good way to try things like having pets. There is nothing like looking after someones pet to make you realize that it takes far too much energy for the long haul.
Well I don’t know if I have helped any of you reading this today or if I have given you reason to go back to bed ehehhe but if you can have contact with someone even if it’s this big strange world of the internet then I think we will all be ok for another day.
Myself I’m 33 months into it. We were together for 32 years when he died so I will cut myself some slack and try and give myself the time I need to be able to breath without him.
If I can offer any kind of advice at all I would ask you to have a journal for everyone can write words even if you don’t have any talent. Its important to document what you are going through because in the end we have to feel that we are important enough to write about. Even if we do it ourselves. I wish you all a day of breathing and writing even two lines. I do welcome comments remember.
Photo on 2014-10-25 at 11.37

Photo on 2014-10-25 at 11.41


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“grieving is like being stuck in a revolving door”

bach

So here it is another year to tuck into our pockets. There is always this expectation of the new year being better then the year just past. I’m sure that even the wealthy have such expectations. So what does that tell us about ourselves?

The wants for more and better?
I have just completed one of those quizzes on line. What emotion is hidden. Well apparently mine is ANGER, yup apparently I am suppressing all kinds of anger.
With the stages of grieving so we have to go through all stages?
I know now that you can go through the stages over and over again. So what is the point of stages? They should call it the revolving door stages.

The tolerance of friends are dwindling. I don’t blame them. I would dwindle as well.
Its the perpetual wave of tiredness. The fatigue that feels like lead pumping through my veins. A walk brings me a momentary high then my feet begin feel as if I am walking over warm tar.
I have to tell myself to take deep breaths. This blog is the only place left where I can get rid of all these feelings and words from spinning around in my shell.
Friends a wonderful and so caring and loving but they are full of their solutions, solutions that just make me feel less capable then before.
The music of Bach helps greatly and operas coat me with warmth and understanding.
I have a showing of 85 pieces to organize. Sculptures and paintings and writings. Whether there is success or failure I feel that it is a circle that I need to complete. Will it give me the energy I need to find a direction of my life?
Will it confirm doubts and make me hang up my drawing pens?
If its the latter there will be no purpose to go on. Am I angry? perhaps. Angry that I can’t afford to live in my own home.
From february 19 2009 I have been living in others pockets. I have looked after my husband with the utmost of love and care and diligence. My family have looked after me. Out of need I have tried to fit into puzzles but my own shape is fighting. I miss my life, my relationship, my friend B. When one person knows everything about you. When one person accepts you with all your thorns and loves you.
I don’t have the energy left in me to be open to another life. Understanding the makeup of hermits draws me to wanting to become a solitudinarian.
Most people would think this is a bad thing but I do not. We can not all be made of the cloth of survival and strength. Some may well just need solitude for to conform makes us tired.
That is how I feel today. What about you? How do you feel today.

Haven’t Made Any Sense Yet

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Being by the great ocean seems to be what I needed. I did come with so many intensions, so many things that I was going to do. To do.. To Do ..To Do… Do Do Do
[quote from Across the Universe Movie]
I was so mentally prepared……..Or so I thought.
I had scheduled a couple of days to orient myself…………Clearly not enough.
I filled a suitcase with paints, canvas, markers………….What I really could use are pastels.
I planned on borrowing a bike no less…………….What was I thinking?  Who was I attempting to impress? Myself?
Possibly. It did not happen. 
I have walked and taken more pictures then even I could have imagined. I am picking things up and bringing them home. I have started one painting but clearly it will not get finished. I have gessoed three canvases and have drawn on one. I seem to be able to spend an amazing amount of time looking. I can sit or stand by the ocean and watch every new wave come in. Noticing how everyone is different. There are days when the count of four will bring the biggest wave then it starts again.

Other days its five or six. 

What I have found is that the ocean seems to be breathing. Some breaths are long and deep others short and sharp.
Have I come here to breath? Have I forgotten how to breath? This word has become my most thought about word and most written since I’ve come here. Today I was wondering if I was over stimulated. Too much of a good thing? Could result in doing nothing. So I found refuge, back to my camera.
Photographing things I have picked up in the X-ray method. There is balance, calm, integrity, art in doing this. For me anyway.
I have come to think out here that my ‘self’ my inner being or self has gotten diminished. Not completely for sure and many will think what is she saying she seems to have quite the extrovert personality. You are right on those counts but it’s something different that I am trying to find here.
Purpose? Focus? Goal? Project? Show? New Series? Two years!!!!!! God I can’t believe it’s been that long!
Is this the general path of Widowhood? I see so many that can get going. They seem fine.
So for your viewing pleasure I will include some of my experiments. I’ve talked long enough. Cheers!

 

This gallery contains 18 photos

What If Our Heart Dries

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I do wake in the morning with all good intentions.
Today I will do my yoga. I will go for a walk. I will do more packing. Then  I hear the clicking of the coffee pot and when I go to investigate I am so pleased that there is at least one more cup that I can squeeze out of it. The cup of coffee by the computer tells me its still morning and I have all day to complete everything I have not gotten to for weeks.
I get my sketchbook out, well if truth be told there is not getting out, my sketchbooks are all over the place! I can’t believe how many I have. 99% finished to the very last page.
I open the book and draw what I am feeling. At times when I do this it helps me to see where I am at and how I can physically help myself through this. This morning it was my body standing at a 60 degree angle with ropes wrapped around the chest. then extensions leading to message blocks all around. In these blocks I write what emotions are possessing me like a spirit from another world.
The idea that I obsess has come to me more often then I care to count. Is the mind of an artist a stable one? Probably not for if it was we would be doing something else that rewarded us with money and security. There are benefits though. The fact that I can look at these walls full of paintings is a real benefit! To see something of a solid matter that has come from pure thought and emotion still impresses me.
The idea that in the future I might even create something that is of full round acceptable beauty is a post-it on my mind. Would I even be interested in doing this? Truthfully, imagining myself painting flowers or scenes of  a foggy meadow kind of creeps me out.  There would have to be a partial animal scull somewhere in it or steps created by ribs leading to the distant skies. You see, it’s not a sunny day without a single grey cloud. Maybe I’m stuck or the artist in me is enjoying all the feelings of sorrow. Or maybe I’m screaming for help the only way I know how to.
There are many that know what I feel and are supportive. I don’t mean to insinuate that I am so lonesome creature in the bush living off the sap that I lick off the trees and make soup from mushrooms and grass that I pick. But, the mind does go there. Why does it go there? Perhaps it needs the emptiness and vastness of the forest to give refuge to these feeling. Letting them fly and be caught by a swirling wind that cradles them to great heights. Free them for they are too great and massive to live in our hearts. They possess such energy that they will eventually dry the heart out and it will parish. Disintegrate to ash with the slightest of pressure.
This image stops me, and I feel stillness. I try to breath with thought. My eyes feel frozen to those words.

 

 

Photo on 2014-04-10 at 09.38 #3

Photo on 2014-04-10 at 09.37 #3