I Ran To My Friends


Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.35 AM #2

As I sit here on the back porch looking out onto vast open fields ready for planting. I have just had my morning chat with the chickens and oh my goodness I am now watching a little bird building a nest from one of the chickens feathers!!! How wonderful is that?
So let me bring you up to date on how I got here. Yesterday morning I received an email from one friend telling me that our other friend would more then likely not make the weekend.

“Swallow that big lump that is now lodged in your throat” My inclination is to speed through this for my audience [if I can call you that, although I don’t feel you are] my unknown acquaintances how about that. I have always felt that I had to rush through my thoughts so as not to bore people around me , but these are details of my friends lives, my dear friends existence how can you rush through that. What do you  omit? This winded description for one :/

Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.42 AM 2

Days to leave and say goodbye. How do you even do that?  I changed my plans and got out of town as they say. Driving directly to her home. My inclination is to stop and shop at second hand stores I don’t know why I do that but I have an idea and a shrink could probably set me right. I remembered that  when my sister died B and I drove seven hours at speeds that I normally do not approach  but we got there and she was still breathing.

The  bed was placed in her dining room over looking her garden. The windows large and to the floor. It was like an offering. My sisters body on the alter being offered to what ever. I sat with her, held her hand and the memories went rushing through my brain like a speed ball. I was relieved that she had not died before I got to see her and tell her I loved her. It is unbelievably important to tell your loved ones you love them! Then I did something stupid. Thinking that I had days with my sister I agreed to go to a second hand store just down the road and look at things,  B was looking for a pair of open sandles for he forgot to bring his for it was raining when we left home. We puttered around then went back and She Was Gone…….

Just like that I drove at dangerous speed to get there then I went shopping and missed her departure. I can’t forget that. I think it was this thought that kept running through my mine as I drove to my friends house.

I stopped and bought apple pie and cheese for protein :/ and a bottle of wine. It was not so much a celebration as hitting your emotions with sugar charbs alcohol and protein. I have experienced so many deaths from that first one that apple pie has come to be my comfort food. If you saw me you would think :Girl enough with the pies!” heheh

Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.48 AM #2

As it was my friend is still with us today whew. I took her dog for a walk but did not walk too far for its a small town and I ran into another friend who was sitting and writing in her back yard. We stopped for tea and a creative chat.

I wish you could hear the chicken in the background and I wish you could see the green grass opening up to  ghostly rows  in the open field . The sun feels glorious and healing on my skin. I don’t want to move from this spot I want to stay here through rain and snow and blowing winds I want to remain here on this spot to feel all the seasons sun touching my face.

Photo on 2016-05-11 at 9.50 AM

Yesterday  did not end up about comforting my dying friend, instead it was her mother that I ended up comforting. They have a mother daughter relationship what can I say. It has its ups and downs as all of us do but that does not mean in any way that there is not an incredible love in there that they have for each other its just a bit different and hard.

I’m not about judging anyones love I just want to try and make an avenue available for departing with calm. Death comes to all of us and we really should spend a bit more time thinking about it then most of us do. Our final moments in this galaxy should have some care unless of course you die from an accident and have no time.

I don’t want to wear you down with too much chatting for I want you to follow my blog with a little bit of excitement or anticipation of what the heck will she say now hehe. Now I hope I can manage to insert some photos I took of the chickens this morning. I had to get a new laptop and it has different features designed not to make like better but to test our nerves.

I love you all for you show good taste in reading my blog heheheheh

Big hugs. Please comment.



They Are Dropping Like Flies


It would seem that one of the lessons of getting older is the normality that is developed in terms of our friends dying. Today I sat here and thought

‘their dropping life flies’.

Past the initial shock there is this thought, another one?  I worry, was there pain? Most of my friends have died off in a tapered style. The system slows down, the drugs put them in a state where  they can’t articulate their thoughts. If they can, we wonder are they actual thoughts or just muddled, free flowing  left over from actual conversations. Are they sentences cut short, incomplete thoughts, blips of the brain.

What I do know is that we are travellers. These bodies that hold us are containers and when that container wears out well PUFFFF we are released. I mean our true essence or if you like our spirit shoots out with great speed and the container is and looks empty. It was only when I first saw this first hand with my husband that I truly understood life and its cycle. Death may be the end of what we can understand but it is not the end of our existence.

So, how do we handle and interact with the friendships we have developed? I think acceptance of the final chapter and continued contact with our friends is a must. For heaven’s sake don’t leave them to end this time in a home or hospital on their own. Family is important, yes but its the family that we have adopted that really must help in the final weeks or months. Who have we confided in? Who have we had many dinners and laughs with? Those who have shared the similar passions.
Certainly I don’t speak for all but for me its about continuing the friendship if we can. Have all the final important conversations if time gives you the opportunity. Tell them how you have enjoyed them in your life. Help them remember crazy and wild times.
I would hope that when my time comes I will be content with my heart and mind. I will lie in my bed and feel the ocean’s breath on my face and listen to the rain dancing on the roof and Claire du lune  playing in the background. These are thoughts of our perceived perfect exit when in fact I will probably die in an accident heheh, there will be no time for reflection of music.

This morning has been a good reflecting morning. Later on I will call my friend again and tell her how much her friendship has effected me. I will speak to her every day till she can no longer take my calls. I am not sad for her final trip for she does not have to pack and remember anything. Can you imagine! To get prepared for a trip and not worry at all of tooth brush or passport or what clothes to bring.
Enjoy your life yes but enjoy your departure as well.

“grieving is like being stuck in a revolving door”


So here it is another year to tuck into our pockets. There is always this expectation of the new year being better then the year just past. I’m sure that even the wealthy have such expectations. So what does that tell us about ourselves?

The wants for more and better?
I have just completed one of those quizzes on line. What emotion is hidden. Well apparently mine is ANGER, yup apparently I am suppressing all kinds of anger.
With the stages of grieving so we have to go through all stages?
I know now that you can go through the stages over and over again. So what is the point of stages? They should call it the revolving door stages.

The tolerance of friends are dwindling. I don’t blame them. I would dwindle as well.
Its the perpetual wave of tiredness. The fatigue that feels like lead pumping through my veins. A walk brings me a momentary high then my feet begin feel as if I am walking over warm tar.
I have to tell myself to take deep breaths. This blog is the only place left where I can get rid of all these feelings and words from spinning around in my shell.
Friends a wonderful and so caring and loving but they are full of their solutions, solutions that just make me feel less capable then before.
The music of Bach helps greatly and operas coat me with warmth and understanding.
I have a showing of 85 pieces to organize. Sculptures and paintings and writings. Whether there is success or failure I feel that it is a circle that I need to complete. Will it give me the energy I need to find a direction of my life?
Will it confirm doubts and make me hang up my drawing pens?
If its the latter there will be no purpose to go on. Am I angry? perhaps. Angry that I can’t afford to live in my own home.
From february 19 2009 I have been living in others pockets. I have looked after my husband with the utmost of love and care and diligence. My family have looked after me. Out of need I have tried to fit into puzzles but my own shape is fighting. I miss my life, my relationship, my friend B. When one person knows everything about you. When one person accepts you with all your thorns and loves you.
I don’t have the energy left in me to be open to another life. Understanding the makeup of hermits draws me to wanting to become a solitudinarian.
Most people would think this is a bad thing but I do not. We can not all be made of the cloth of survival and strength. Some may well just need solitude for to conform makes us tired.
That is how I feel today. What about you? How do you feel today.