Inside I Feel

 

mama and rosa 1980 copy

This morning I lay in bed
under the weight of my feathers
eyes closed
enjoying the quiet
the warmth
then I felt the strangest thing
I was my mother
I could feel being her
strange, not a frightening feeling
I was her but a small me was inside her
like one mitt inside the other
not a child in her mother
two women in one
I could feel her thoughts
I could sense her mind
my hands are like mama’s
my face is like mama’s
strange yet wonderful feeling

My fingernails are thin
mama would trim and file hers down
I chose to bite
so many attitudes
I have adopted
my grandchildren not calling
creates terrible feelings
I feel vindictive
harbouring such thoughts and filing them
plotting retaliation
I detested this characteristic of my mother
yet here I am sitting with my shoulders rounding
my face transmuting into someone I don’t know
yet I act as she did
I also know that the second the phone rings
we both cast away every sad thought
we become joyous and loving
we give many presents
as a penance for even thinking such terrible thoughts
I know how greatly saddened she was
I feel such sadness
we are the same mitt
I look in the mirror and see her face
we wear our heart on our sleeve
that is why it gets hit and bumped and bruised
perhaps I should put it back into my chest
where it will be protected

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