Widowed Without A Manual

Some of us grieve longer then others. I will not be rushed out of my love, that still inhabits my heart.

GOODBYE AND HELLO

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I have been busy with researching sexual abuse for a play my friend wrote and directed. After reading her script and attending a rehearsal I plunged into the pool of turmoil attempting to swim through all the horror and not get caught in the tentacles of an abusers mine.
Three hours of reading and sketching in the solitude of a coffee cup I allowed my inner child to speak. Followed by five intense days of painting I was now exhausted, my mind empty. After recuperated for three days while I slept, watched H.B.O. movies and drank barrels of tea. There was nothing left in me. As if my blood had been drained from my veins, being replaced by tea none the less.
I have just completed two weeks of nail biting car research for my trusted friend the van was on its death bed. This is another part of my life that will be without Bruce. No more can I drive around and remember him sitting in the passenger seat with his sketchbook on his lap. No more will I think of his wheelchair sitting in the back empty like a ghost. No more will I chant ‘just bring me to him and bring me back home, that is all I ask’

I did not name my van, perhaps I should have. It served me very well and was my home on wheels for so many years. My van carried a lot of boxes and sculptures and was always with me during all of my  sculpture restoration contracts.
I should have named him, should I not?
I feel that he was not so much my friend as my godfather, always looking out for me. Rarely getting deathly ill. I did give him all the medication the mechanic prescribed. He had his regular check ups and transfusions.
He was my godfather.
When I left him in the parking lot of the honda dealer I thanked him once again and kissed him. I believe he smiled back at me and then went to sleep forever. He had a good life of service and dedication filled with devotion and love.
Now I have an adult Honda Fit. She is six years old and is so lovely. I went to the dealer to test drive a Toyota Matrex but when the salesman opened the door I could not enter the car. The energy that lingered was anger mixed with frustration and no love. Sadly the car had an evil spirit in it and I could not bring myself to sit behind the wheel. I did sit in the passenger seat but quickly got out. Then like a shining light in the forest I saw this flicker of violet. I asked the salesman Joseph, What is that? He opens the door and I jumped in then said I will test drive this. After my nephew checked her over and gave me some pointers on negotiating a better deal I did and am now the owner of Aveline [which means loyal , little bird] she has happy energy. She is beautiful and will hopefully become a long time friend.

 

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Author: ilovecloudstoo

I live in Canada though​ I was not born here. Newfoundland is where my heart breathes. Primarily I am a visual artist, welded and or cast bronze sculptures. Sylvia Plath may have been the seed planted in me that is creating poetry. Since then I have read so many great modern poets work. Art is my sustaining business poetry sustains my soul.

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