Some Days Are Hard

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Last night the sky exploded! I was stepping past the door and suddenly there was this intense feeling that drew me to look over. I could only imagine such colours on my palette
for a painting. Truthfully you just have to sit and watch it, well with your iPhone in hand that is.
The sky changes so quickly that it does make you just adore it and all its wonder.
My creative juices flew and I settled down for the night. Mind you this is all about 6pm. When you have no reason to be up there is no reason to not go to bed.

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The movie I watched was Oh I can’t remember the title. Its a movie about the love of John Keats and Fanny Brawne. The actors are so well cast that you really do melt into their characters. Then again I am a sucker and totally addicted to tortured romances.
Then the morning came and here I am wondering if I will ever, in this life get past this particular part. I work at it every day. Yesterday I finished repainting the window the final white colour. Was that really all I did? My god!! Everything takes so much time. To go to the hardware store and look for cheap paint [ there is none ] then read so many tables for glue for some tiles that need re-glueing and then the little rib of wood to replace rotten parts on the windows.
Ok I know where the day went. I replaced the rotten bits then applied masking tape then and only then did I apply the two coats of white paint. Did I mention there was a great mini downpour in the middle of all this? It was wonderful.

 

So that was it! I don’t feel any closer to rolling the paint on the walls. No one understands why I am even attempting to do this work. Most say Get rid of it! Sell it as is! Move on!
None of these people understand or try and remember that this is my home. Where I lived most of my life. It is a sense of purpose to get it looking as good as my budget can stretch. I owe it to B for all his work here as well. Don’t they get that?
So many of you may be in this situation where you are trying to move on but on a beggars budget. I can’t even say the word budget for that in it self means that you have a lump somewhere. DSAA
By doing all this work well as much as I can myself …. I can’t even remember what I was going to say. I am trying not to be so dam negative ….. oh yes.. All of this work is making me think about my idea of buying a small place I can fix in Newfoundland.
CAN I?
WILL I BE ABLE TO?
As all my friends keep telling me. Your getting older now. Well for goodness sake why don’t I just pack it in right now? Why not just give everything to the grandkids and pack one suitcase one coat one pair of boots and lots of slippers. I mean lots of slippers and house coats that way I never have to get dressed. I’ll check into one of those seniors places for 300. per month plus utilities. Forget getting a pet maybe just those stuffed ones that everyone old seems to get tons of. Am I upset? I suppose I am. You will get upset too. when you realize that because your a widow everyone around you will start thinking for you and making your decisions. I remember when B was in the home, everyone would speak to me instead of him. Most of the time they would ignore him. That really hurts for him and for me. He was my life my purpose my goal. We were intertwined and now the vines that pulsed from his heart and are intermingled with me are dead and dry, but they don’t fall off. They shrink to a point and then just stay there. Only if you cut and pull and tear will they be gone from your vines.
How do we move on?
How do we find that purpose in our lives again?
Sorry I am just having a bad day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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