Dates, What are these Numbers on a Calendar


wondering around the pages of my past

like an ant carrying a crumb of bread on its back
the ant likes to give the impression that there is something very urgent going on
with persistent determination it walks around or over around and over around and over
with this crumb of bread on its back
we look at this ant and clap and praise and cheer it on
we become like the ant
we take on its quest even if its just in the side stands
the ant soon represents everything to us
we pontificate our perception of this little ant as if we are giving a lecture or writing our thesis on the purpose of the crumb on ones back
all of this
in this little white box.

have you ever stood quickly and felt what we like to call a little freebie
little wisps of tornadoes dance in my dome
have you closed your eyes and tried to follow those ridicules squiggles of dust from the front row seat of your eye lids

dates are approaching
they do for all of us
dates do not care what they represent
dates don’t care that they may bring with them an avalanche
they are dates, simply dates that have no conscious, no sensors, no feelings
they are not a living thing
they just have one purpose which is to be there as we approach
there seems to be nothing we can do to slow them down or stop them

many of us waste our lives by being obsessed with the thought of what we want
as if its something that is require in order for us to be given life
does the un fertilized egg fill out a questionnaire as one might expect sperm would
is it at this point that a union is determined in terms of compatibilites
the most important being … want you want
would it then be true that if you can’t answer that question, well you might just forever float around never having a union contact, never merging and creating, never living… is that so very bad

I do know however … what I don’t want
I don’t want to go
I don’t want to stay
I don’t want to live
I don’t want to die
I don’t want to have superficial conversations
I don’t want to not be heard
I don’t want my grandchildren to forget me

the easy part is knowing what I don’t want
the big problem is I don’t know what I now want

today is two years eleven months one minute
now two now three
you know what comes next
the three year mark
do you think that if you welcome those digital markers
if you let them pass through your body
do you really think
we will feel better?

this is probably not helping anyone out there that has just lost their love.
this may seem like there is no light ever
you should not see my observing myself like that ant as a bad thing.
I am one of those that has to poke my nose into everything even if its my own heart with the quest to find my way though this thing called grieving.

Grieving is hard but I don’t know if you can study for it. Everyone is different this I am told. I just wish there was a rehab that I could go to for this grief.
Grief today [for it changes every day] is like bobbing for apples in a container of ice cold water.DSC_0007


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