A dear friend has been in hospice for a week, he has been on my mind. So many things go on in my mind. It feels like subjects keep fighting in line for being in front and the next one up. Thoughts take on personalities at least in my mind they do. Its like a constant battle. Like kids fighting for attention in the back seat of the car, screaming! My Turn!! and our arm somehow becomes articulated in such a way to swat what ever happens to be in the air.
I don’t want to become that person that does not care. My friends matter to me, their lives are precious. Just the simple fact that they have somehow seen me as someone they want to keep in their life says something to me. So when one dies don’t they deserve sadness? I’m not into comparing the depts of my sadness to others but I suppose I want the grief. I want to feel sad that their life here is over. It’s a selfish feeling I know. D was in hospice and it was then I knew that he would not be able to fight it down this time. He had before but he did not remove one stressful element in his life. He drove transport and he often said how stressful it had become. He wanted to leave it behind and play drums on cruse ships. hehe makes me chuckle. D would have been every tourist’s dream affair. heheh He was funny, very handsome like tom selack is it, hum. He had a stand up comic personality and as he got older this beautiful, thoughtful person started to emerge. He lost his father in his twenties I think, so when we met him the first time in Jamaica he immediately saw B as a father figure. We had seen him through two marriages, but he always remained friends with them. He always said the last thing you want is a pissed of ex wife 🙂
So it came to an end this morning at 4;20. I had woken up just after 1am, even after a whole sleeping pill. I watched a great move call Quartet, after some toast and cheese and banana I forced myself to try and get some sleep at 5ish. I managed two hours.
Then there it was off the the left side of my screen, from M, saying at 4:20am he passed away, no more pain.
Now I have to somehow get dressed, put on a happy face for easter at my sisters. they will talk of nothing. The air will be full of iphones and Ipads as the others compare how their food is better then the others. Friday I raised my glass to my sister and niece for a wonderful fish dinner they prepared, they looked shocked.
I really don’t want to go but I know they will call and come over and that I don’t want.
So I will carefully lay my grieving self on the bed and put it on later.