Today a friend wrote the most beautiful poem. As I opened her link the image of a broken heart with a bandage on it appeared. I was shocked and well shocked for I had just finished drawing that heart on my new painting.
How do we explain these connections? Is it that we are both exposing our inners in hope to ease our pain? I wake and feel two desires. One is to top up my caffeine the second and more ever powerful is to continue working on my paintings. My walls are full! The floor is slowly being filled as well yet there is this aching at times numbing pain in my chest and arms. No….. I’m not having a heart attack, that would be too easy. In a couple of days it will be 18 months of being without my love. How can that much time have already passed! I have painted many canvases and added many pounds to my belly. I don’t feel any better just as lost really. People call and I sit and watch the blinking on the machine. I don’t pick up often. I have become very good and reflective in never going outside without my mask. People love masks. It allows them to be happy and leave me alone. I like being alone. I wish only to have enough money to be alone and sculpt and paint and pay my bills, that’s all. I wish I could buy my mother’s home. She is in every room but when we sell we will be selling her as well. My siblings need this for they have their family their husbands.
I left for a while and had great time laughing. It was sort of a hysterical kind of laughing i think. I laughed so hard i did not have to think. Now I sleep eat apple pie and paint.