Stuck on Empty

 

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Just returned from five days with sister. She’s in distress and I react. The days were fine but having to swim in her world can be difficult. Its a world of cooking shows and renovations. This sets her up for excitement, but her excitement means that she will fight with her family for everyone is so tired of changes and monies spent.

I did try to stay in my mind. to not loose my footing. Creating one painting was a start. Still, these times leaves me exhausted.

I sit here with nature sounds from the t.v. and looking at all the paintings I have done this year. I don’t know if they are becoming a way for me to hide or just a desperate intensity to get out of me all these feelings of sadness.

For what ever reason I decided that yesterday was the day to cut back for foam mattress that B and I slept on for so many years. Now it has gone from a queen size to just a double. The strange things we get attached to!

Cutting off slices was like cutting parts of our life. I don’t want to let go, I realize this.

Others want to move on, I don’t.   

I can’t seem to find any reasons to move on. My body is strong and will not fall ill. How would I paint the emptiness I feel? Maybe that is why I continue to  to crave the paintings inside of me. Maybe when I get out of me what really is inside I will have accomplished something.

Yesterday I rushed out of the house with only one feeling and that was to get out!. I found myself in the art store and there displayed all around me were canvases on a great sale! What normally would have bought me two I received five plus gesso. I then started to feel sick to my stomach which is a common occurrence these days. I wanted to sit in a restaurant with B and read a book or draw, like we always did when we came to the city. But he’s dead. He is not here. He comes to me in my dreams but he does not often speak.

I feel weak and foolish for not not being stronger. I’m in my 17th month.

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