Give Me a Dark Cloud so I May Feel



This second year without B has engulfed me.
Today five years ago we were sitting in a pool at the Y. Tomorrow is another marked day when B fell in our home and never slept in his own bed again.
I try to refrain from telling other friends how much I miss him.
I can sense their impatience, I can see their eyes glaze over and their minds drift. There is never an opening for conversation its always the same responses.
You have so much to look forward to; YOu have great talent; bla bla bla.
I hope you don’t find me critical. But I do seem to be don’t I. The house is full of corners filled with clothing cast on the floor. Sketchbooks all over the place. Boxes filled with books. My bed is becoming heavier with the duvets I can barely turn over. The feather mattresses  seem to feel like quicksand.
Am I approaching a new door? Is my refuge changing? I like that first thought of the morning. The walk to splash water on my face then lean in and look at the person looking back. I like the making of the morning coffee then tapping my fingers on the counter till an sizeable first cup drips down. The shaking of the soya milk carton to get all foamy so I can have  a frapped coffee. Then I start to think of getting back into bed when the sun goes down. I seem to use up time impatiently so the day would end.
I wait for 5pm so I can smile during my favourite show The Gilmore Girls. I sit curled up in my nest of rattan. The phone may ring but I can’t pick it up. Instead I look at it, listening to the five rings. Sometimes I feel up to it and pick it up when I hear a voice that allows me to speak everything I feel and think, J my friend that shares my birthday and is a widow as well.
We give each other permission to say, I can’t live another day! I hate living! It kills me to see others ill when they want to live, yet we want nothing more then to die. Life is truly unfair. J allows me to say these things out loud so they don’t continue to walk in my brain. We need to speak but our world does not like opening the door of death. Yet it is what we will all have to do.  Why is there so little preparation our world?

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