What to Do, What to Do

Are friends comments really meant to help us?

Do we really need that much of a push?

Does our grieving really concern them or does it just annoy them?

Are they really pushing or am I making that interruption?

How do we know when it may be time to call in for re-enforcments? 

Will that just be perceived as another attention getting?

Fact: The doors are looking more inviting all the time.

Fact: I do not have the courage it takes to do the right thing.

Fact: I was focused. I had a plan, a mission to share and expose Grief as I saw it.

Fact: That plan was removed as an option from me.

Question: Is that a sign that I should not exhibit my show?

Question: If I am to follow my gut instinct, what Is it saying? Do I have to refine it? Is it not yet         ready? Is it too personal? Do people really want to have this in their homes? Am I being a narcissus? Could I just be so in love with pain that I am keeping myself from healing, from moving on? Others move on. Don’t they? 

How can I ignore all the memories that continue to run through my veins. The memories of 32 plus years in creating. Is it? because I’m that kind of an artist that I will the blood to flow as it has. Is it because I am that kind of an artist that I am now in that flow retracing every moment, trying to see it in objective angles.

While I sit here in front of my wall of paintings I am thinking that I possibly have not gone far enough. Maybe I am still walking the line, unable to explore it all further. But in exposing it further will I just be demoralizing B for my own self glorification?

I do not take this lightly. I do not want the easy way out and say this is me. Not if it will tarnish another’s life. One of B’s doctors said to me, ” B’s has a great history with is accomplishments and art do you what his illness and final years to be the dominant memory of him?

This thought weighs in me. To expose the horror of a disease will I be clouding the beauty of his work? B always went for showing beauty in his art. He did tell me that he admired my ability to expose the pain and horror in my work. He called me ‘an artist’s artist’. So with that in my mind just now I have further thinking to do. I have to find a calm place to discover the answer.

This week he has visited me in my dreams nearly every night that I can remember. Perhaps that is why I want to sleep so much.



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