I watch people around me moving on. Everyday someone finds their ticket and seemingly move on.
Do I feel envy?
Do I feel betrayal?
Do I feel anger?
NO: YES: YES.
Right now I feel such anger that my friend is not being shown the proper respect in grieving her. I am trying to be happy for them, but what I would really like to do is slap him for not grieving longer. My friend’s memory is being edged aside. At least that is how I feel. Was she not loved more then that? I feel its wrong for me to even question it all. I am now on my own, alone to continue this trip this journey this path.
I can’t seem to even invite an idea of moving on. Why is it so important for everyone that we get on with things? Again all I can think of is going somewhere where I will not be encouraged to be happy. Society places such importance on this that if you don’t smile you are critisized or frowned upon. Over the period of 24 hours I smiled, I laughed very hard, I made jokes, I drank, I was positive in every thought! then when I got back in town I drove through the city in a storm franticly putting items in shopping carts then putting them all back and going to another store etc etc. I was so tired from trying to be happy for others and pretending to be personally happy as well. I exhausted myself but I could not sleep till past 3am. Today I am all worn out. I feel like I am a piece of cotton that has been blowing in the wind endlessly. All its edges frayed and the colours faded.
I think of the light often. That white doorway that has no sharp edges. The light that is so pure and inviting. Close your eyes, look into the light feel the peace.
Today is the beginning of 16 months. Sixteen Months! Seems so long but I don’t feel that I have walked far at all. I hear him speaking to me in my mind often. At times I can nearly carry on a conversation with him. Its so effortless. Tomorrow I must remove his name from my accounts. Last week they punched holes in his passport. I want to hold on to him but the world says NO.
I can understand how some might break from the pressure to conform. In our lives we are woven together with every thought every act every word spoken only to each other. These keep wrapping around us. I was with B for 32 years! every day possibly minus 2 weeks accumulated days away. We worked together, ate, partied, made love, played hookie, vacationed, shared our inner most emotions 24/7 as they say.
So…. Please do tell me how I am to unravel all of this in 16 month? Its unfair for the public and friends and family to expect this of us! How dare they minimize what we felt for each other.
Unraveling hurts for its like fine roots that grow together creating a strong structure. When they get pulled off and apart, the ground is disrupted. It falls and exposes more roots casing them to dry and die. Then the tree dies as well. For its been shocked.
I have to find a way to let the unraveling happen on its own time otherwise I too will die like the tree. Too Symbolic?