Waves is how I feel and describe my emotions. They come up slowly, barely noticeably till I’m right smack in the middle of one. I continue to cover myself with down duvets. I now sleep on two feather mattresses and have two down duvets on top of me. I would like to check out. I don’t feel surprised that I wish for an illness to fall in me and take me away. I am sorry for all of those people who have illnesses and wish nothing more then to have more time to spend with their families. I don’t feel its fair to give me a life when I don’t want it. I don’t wish for death to insult life or those that cherish it. Feeling so tired and not being able to see past the present day. My sisters are so eager to sell this house, mom’s house so they can fulfill their dreams of trips, cars, and giving money to their off spring. I can’t object to it at all. It has been three years this august when my mom passed away. That is long enough for them to wait for their inheritance. Perhaps with this sale I too will find something that will give me directions.
The only things I really like to do is sculpt paint and write.
I do worry that something will happen to me that will take away my ability to take my own life or look after myself. My husband had me. I have no one, not that will have my back the way I had his. So perhaps that is one reason why I wish to depart sooner rather then later. I know that I will not. I don’t own that kind of courage, sadly. So I will ask the universe to guide me please.
All I wish in life is to be able to support myself with my art and live simply in my own easily kept home. Is that too much to ask?