Anonymity Equals Openness

I have been walking, talking, sleeping, breathing as a widow for over a year now. I never received a manual. Never once did I open my mail to find a book of how to’s of being a widow. I feel rushed. I have tried keeping my journal as my friend but we seem estranged at the moment. My journal does not give me feedback although it does let me speak as long as I want. I feel I need more.

Perhaps if I can make one or more persons who are in the same situation feel a little less alone, I am hoping it will make me feel less alone.

I thought that when I reached the one year mark I would begin to feel my feet be more firmly placed on the ground. Or that my mind would not short out so often. The medication is helping me minimize the streams  and rivers of tears.

What’s with the stages of grieving? Apparently they are not stages as much as  ever flowing constantly turning and biting you in the emotional butt when you least expect it. They are not steps! More like a montage of crazy places you find yourself  time and time again. How often do we have to go through these? Isn’t there a limit, or an expiration date that we need to know. “Use the contents of this jar of thoughtloops before 2014 for they are organic and will stain your skin if spilled”.

Why am I still afraid. Why can’t I visualize myself somewhere and looking after myself. My family are tired of me staying in the family home. I can’t blame them. I am holding their inheritance. They can’t go on that extra trip or buy that new car because I can’t think of where I will live. How will I live. It’s so hard making decisions on your own when for so very long you made all decisions  with someone else. The main bread earner was someone else. But without me even he would have had a hard time.

Where do we go to have the time to sort out our life? I need time but i feel the clock chasing me.

I don’t want to mate again. I get upset when people say your young you will meet someone. What if I don’t want to meet someone and go through this AGAIN. HELL NO!

I’m blogging because I need to speak of all these things. I fear that I have worn out my friends, they say no but we never talk about him, we never open the topic of how are you really. If it is then its is short lived. I understand all of that but I still need …… this.

Dear Diary Nov. 12/13