I have a lot of self expectation.
Being an artist means that its very difficult for me to not do anything. If I’m home I feel that I should be painting or drawing. Yet al I want to do is stay in bed and hide my head. I want to go away where no one knows me. Will that help me get better sooner? Maybe I should consider that as an option. Then there is the money thing. The advice I get is get some exercise, go out, do something different. I know all of this but I am so frozen in my head. Making myself write is my hope that I can pull myself out a bit. The phone keeps ringing but no one is leaving a message. JUst Leave a MESSage!!!!!!!!!! I have three friends that want to visit but It’s the energy that is required. But what is that? As I think this one out I am thinking that it could be that the visit is not the issue, Its the conversations that I will come. They will expect me to speak but no one really wants to hear what is really in my head and to make stuff up and pretend I think that that is what my problem is.
So how do I get past this? What do other widows do? Do I just call and say I would really like to see and speak to you but I just don’t seem to be able to muster the energy to make it a pleasant visit. This is an honest thought. I don’t want to push my friends away but I just think and feel that when I pretend to be happy and healthy that it back fires like christmas did for me. One day pretending that I was in so many ways someone else just wore me right out!
Then I think,,,,,,, am I just making excuses.
It’s been 14 months that I last held him in close to me and looked into his eyes and saw him look in mine. 14 months of having only my memories of him to hold close. 14 months of living with half my body exposed where he used to be.
I read some of my journals of last december and I am saddened and disappointed in myself for I really don’t seem to have progressed in my cooping with my sorrow. I wonder if it will be like giving birth? You know you always hear women say that you forget al the pain. Will that be the same? Will I too forget all this pain that I seems to be drowning in?
oh dear maybe I should tuck my night gown into my slacks and go out for a bi